4 Uses for Rotting Pumpkins

- by Ninja Ross, 19 November 2019

Well, I hope everybody had a fantastic Halloween! And I hope that the number of horror prank related heart attacks is low. But it’s been over two weeks since Halloween and there’s still Jack-o'-lanterns on doorsteps and in gardens.
 
These classic Halloween vegetables are sitting there left to rot, crumbling at the slightest touch, convincing flies to come out of hibernation and feed upon the orange carcass. But there are much better ways to use these things than as food for vermin!
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Pranks
 
Just because Halloween is done, doesn’t mean you have to stop brightening people’s lives with fun, absolutely not irritating pranks!
 
For example: These pumpkins are getting pretty soft right about now. Let’s say you stuff one up your top, pretending to be pregnant. Then you fake a painful attack of some kind and when people rush to help, you squeeze the pumpkin until it explodes, creating confusion. Can also work as a tumour that pops. Works best with pumpkins you never got around to actually carving (but I’m sure you absolutely will do it next year).
 
There’s always the classic head injury trick, where you just smash it over somebody’s head. That one never stops being fun!

A True Test of your Warrior Spirit
 
Think you’re a real badass because you don’t mind opening the door to tick or treaters when it’s dark? Or because you’re happy to check to see if that noise in the middle of the night is definitely the fridge, even though it’s super spooky and you know it might be Satan?
 
There are plenty of ways to prove your courage in this world. Some people explore dangerous places, some take on martial arts as a hobby. Some people battle ancient Gods.
 
But put your hand in a pumpkin that’s been sitting outside for a couple of weeks! THERE’S SPIDERS IN THERE.
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The most useless pumpkin is a fresh pumpkin

You Say You Want a Revolution
 
Is Anonymous still cool? I don’t know! It’s been a while since I’ve seen any V for Vendetta masks. Perhaps some re-branding is in order. Or even a brand new movement… Possibly based on Jack-o'-lanterns? Hmmmm?
 
Picture this: local politicians are going door to door trying to get support for an upcoming election (there’s always one). The guy walking towards your door has one of those annoying, punchable faces and you most certainly don’t want to vote for him. But there’s nobody at the door… But there’s you and your comrades buried underneath pumpkins, ready to burst out of the ground and complain about political issues you saw your grandmother complain about on Facebook!
 
You could take it one step further and use pumpkins as an initiation ritual: simply eat the gross brown bits to prove your worthiness.
 
Human Companionship
 
So, did you spend Halloween alone? Not looking forward to spending Christmas the same way? Then how about using a Jack-o'-lantern as a loved one?!?
 
You can sit it on some pillows, which you can dress up, and have good ol’ Jack hang out with you to watch day time Christmas movies, which for some reason have already started popping up.
 
No, it’s not quite the same as having a real person to share your life with, but this way, with all the rot and odours, you can get a good look at what it would be like to watch a loved one fade away and die before your very eyes, thanks to a degenerative disease! Can there be anything more emotional for the holidays?
 
There’s plenty more things you can do with these old veggies. Learn to juggle mushy things, butter your whole garden, use it to store other smaller, more rotten pumpkins. The list is endless! Even though we ended ours at four. But get in touch via the comments and let us know your ideas!
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Tagged: Science.

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