Four Reasons To Hate Nathan FIllion

- by Ninja Ross, 13 August 2014

You’ve seen me defend things and people in the past. I have a feature based on old games that nobody loves anymore. I’ve defended both Keanu Reeves and DC Comics. But what about the flip side? What about those you all love but should really HATE WITH A PASSION?!?

Nathan Fillion. He’s the geek world’s golden boy. Everybody loves that crazy, charming Canadian. He’s handsome, funny and down to earth and all that crap.

No. He’s none of these things. Let me tell you why you should be peeing yourself in anger right now.

1. NATHAN FILLION KILLED "FIREFLY"

No, I’m not saying he got the show cancelled. He LITERALLY KILLED "FIREFLY". This is what first tipped me off to the fact that Mr Fillion isn’t all he’s cracked up to be. This is what made me suspicious.

While many people believe it was simply cancelled by Fox for no apparent reason (We all know Fox don’t do that. Foxes are adorable), the truth is more sinister. Nathan Fillion actually swapped his sci fi gun for a real, bullet spitting gun. Every on-screen death was real.

In order to protect their own lives from Fillion’s blood lust, they were forced to go along with it. After season one finished, they were able to take a break from the show. This gave them a chance to beg Fox to cancel the show and save countless lives. Joss Whedon has said, on many occasions, “Man, that Nathan Fillion guy. He killed a lot of people on that set.” It’s true, look it up. Google it.

Nathan Fillion during a killing spree.

2. NATHAN FILLION IS TRYING TO OUTDO BRUCE CAMPBELL'S CHIN

Who does this guy think he is? Now that he’s not constantly killing people on screen and making you watch, he’s trying to beat Bruce “Groovy” Campbell in the chin arena.

Sure, you could consider Fillion’s chin as manly or almost heroic, but Bruce Campbell has, and always will have, the greatest chin around. But Fillion has been slowly trying to outdo Campbell.

Save your friendly demeanor for the sheep, usurper.

While these two seem friendly during public appearances, it’s quite clear that there is an awful, bloody chin war going on between the two. Nathan Fillion is trying to be the chin champion and I believe he is using chin steroids in order to achieve his goal. Nice try, Fillion.

3. NATHAN FILLION IS BRAINWASHING NERDS

Not content with killing actors and trying to be the dominant chin in modern pop culture, Nathan Fillion is also trying to create his own army. He is brainwashing nerds to fight in a war. What is this war about, you ask? No idea. His motives are, so far, unclear. Could it be to try and become the ultimate chin? Could it be in an effort to hold the world to ransom? An invasion of some kind, perhaps? Only Fillion knows.

Nathan Fillion during Fillion Con.

Think about it: How excited did people get when it was announced he’d have a small, fun cameo in Guardians of the Galaxy? The internet went nuts. It almost exploded. Look at how crazy things get when people even bring him up in conversation. Next time you go into a comic book shop or a convention, mention his name. Watch everyone’s eyes twitch. Listen to their chants. “My life for Fillion. My life for Fillion.” It’s both sad and horrifying.

If we’re not careful, he may succeed in whatever evil goals he has... Speaking of which...

4. NATHAN FILLION IS FROM SPACE. EVIL SPACE.

Remember when I hinted at Fillion’s invasion plans? Well, here’s more evidence to suggest that he is indeed planning an invasion.

Nathan Fillion is actually a creature from space. While nobody has seen him out of his handsome human skin, it is believed that he may look like the aliens from James Gunn’s “Slither”, which actually starred Nathan Freaking Fillion.

Gunn actually wrote and directed this movie in an effort to warn us of Fillion’s true origins. Using art to express his fear of the monster that is Nathan Fillion. It was only after the release of this movie that Fillion noticed the resemblance between himself and THIS:

Can this be similar to Nathan Fillion's true form?

Since then, Fillion’s brainwashing abilities have grown tremendously and Gunn thinks it was just a movie. Poor James Gunn.

I hope this article has opened your eyes to the truth about Nathan Fillion. Do not let him succeed in whatever evil thing he is planning. Do not let him defeat Bruce Campbell in the chin wars. FIGHT BACK BEFORE HE GETS YOU.


Yes, thank you for this brave article, Ross! If you, Dear Trash Mutant Reader, have any other 100% accurate facts that can help others to prepare for Fillion's inevitable attack, please leave them below, in the comments section. Stay safe!

Tagged: movies & TV.

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