Replacing the Handshake

- by Ninja Ross, 6 May 2020

The handshake has been a part of life for possibly millions of years, if my math is correct. There are many variations of it: The high five, the low five, the too slow five and so on. But most importantly, it all involves the touching of hands.
 
But we can’t do that now, can we?!? COVID-19 has ruined handshaking for everybody. Losing the ability to cough comfortably in public is bad enough, but now we have to stop touching other people’s hands? We can all agree it’s a disaster all round.

We find ourselves in the unique position to change something that has been a part of the world’s culture since at least the 5th century B.C. We have the chance to leave an impact on society that is felt for centuries. This is as significant as inventing the word hello. It’ll tell future scholars exactly how complex and thoughtful we could be, especially in times of crisis. So what could we possibly replace shaking hands with?
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Touching Genitals
 
Getting your genitals out in public is generally considered a no no in most cultures, but you wouldn’t ALWAYS have to get your bits out. You’d have informal and formal genital rubs (or organ mashings).
 
If you’re meeting your future father in-law, you might greet him with a quick nervous tap of groins. But while with friends, you might have a cock slap routine that only you guys know. And just think of the variations of high fives you can do. You could do the Newton’s Cradle, the Sword Fight, the Meat Grinder, the Clam Smash. The possibilities are endless.
 
And it also encourages social distancing. When you organ mash with somebody, you’ll most likely lean your upper body backwards in order to get the best genital to genital contact. Your face will in fact be forced further away from the other person’s.
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Kicking
 
This one seems almost childish, but I do know of a person who refuses to shake hands, even before the pandemic. Instead, she lightly taps your shoe with hers and expects you to do the same back, like some kind of psychopath.
 
But she doesn’t seem so crazy now! In fact, it’s possibly downright genius.
 
In the short term, we have a new way to greet each other without the risk of spreading disease. We can have fun coming up with different ways to do it, like sole to sole, ankle to ankle, heel toe heel toe, etc. But in the long term, evolution is most likely going to create a race of humans with super legs.
 
Our great great grandkids will have legs almost the same width as their torsos. The veins will pop out like sausages taped to tree trunks. Their feet will be unbreakable hooves made of muscle and toenail.
 
This does have the potential to lead to a race of war-dancers, stomping on anything with weaker legs than them… But that could be for the best for everyone, we just don’t know.
 
Meaningful Looks
 
Shakespeare once said “the eyes are the windows of the soul”. That’s not entirely relevant, but it does help highlight that the eyes convey more than a simple handshake or even a high five ever could.
 
Let’s say you’re meeting a small tribe deep in the rainforest where handshakes are a big part of their custom. You meet their leader and he offers his hand. But he remembers social distancing and immediately takes it back.
 
You see the sadness in his eyes, though he can not express it, since his culture also forbids speaking, writing things down or even texting. But he looks back into your eyes. He sees that you also really want to shake his hand. You want to become so close to him that you make a super cool secret handshake together that makes everyone else jealous.
 
But with just that look you’ve both expressed so much more. Stare into each other’s eyes until there are no secrets between you. And then, handshakes will become meaningless.
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​Hands on Sticks
 
This is perfect! What better way to make sure you’re two metres away from everyone than using a two metre long stick? Slap a hand on the end of that and it’s as if social distancing isn’t even a thing!
 
Put it in a vague handshake pose and it’s good for your basic greeting or asking people to stop without actually saying it. But add some gears, wires and gizmos and you’ve got yourself a grabber! A high fiver! A slapper! A tickler! Whatever you want it to be!
 
And that’s before we get to the possibilities of stick hand exploitation films. We could be looking forward to films like “The Stick Hand of Vengeance”, “Rise of the Stick Hands”, “Stick Fist” and the sequel, “Stick Fist: Fist Harder”.

And as long as we don’t put any A.I stuff in them, we should be free of any stick hand uprisings or a documentary miniseries about wacky yet “loveable” stick hands wanting to be people.

And there we have four extremely solid options for replacing the handshake. They could easily make greeting people an even closer, more personal thing, without ignoring social distancing. We can create the future here and now! Forget the outdated hand touching! Embrace evolution!
 
How do you feel about replacing the handshake? Have any options of your own? Let us know down below in the comments!
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Tagged: Science.

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