What The Heck Is Going On With Konami?

- by Ninja Ross, 12 August 2015

While I have written about the Konami/Hideo Kojima situation in the past, I haven't really touched on what exactly is going on at Konami. Mostly because nothing about Konami makes sense anymore. Silent Hill pachinko machines? It's madness! How can any of this possibly make any kind of sense? What kind of business runs things this way? But I've been taking a close look at Konami's business practices, lately; the accusations, the announcements- everything Konami related. Pretty sure I know exactly what's going on.

The most recent and most serious accusation towards Konami is how they treat their staff. An insider report was recently released via Nikkei (English version available via Kotaku), detailing the working conditions at Konami.

A lot of different problems are pointed out:

• Any member of staff not considered useful anymore is reassigned to a different role, meaning developers are given jobs as security guards or janitors, depending on what's needed.
  
• Every movement made by Konami employees is monitored and recorded. This includes cameras set up everywhere.
  
• The majority of staff have no permanent email address, instead they're forced to use randomised emails. Even then, a lot of staff have no internet connection and can only email each other on site.
  

This doesn't seem so bad! But Jim Sterling recently released a video in which he relays information from trusted sources within Konami. This information suggests that the contents of the report were largely exaggerated and “sensationalised.” BUT! Sterling's sources also report that things are actually a little bit worse than that. You should watch the video for full details, but here are the highlights:

• Employees are forced to use an “Archaic and pointless approval system,” which means it can take up to two weeks for employees to get “vital supplies for events or things that would improve their job performance” regardless of how urgent the situation is.
  
• Communication between departments is “discouraged” by Konami, which means one department would have absolutely no idea what the other is doing. Which isn't exactly a great way to do things.
  
• Konami has no respect for its own history or the history of video games (Silent Hill pachinko machine...) and this is apparently made very obvious in the work place.
  
• The higher-ups reportedly dislike even giving credit where credit is due, often “actively downplaying or even denying the impact a person has had on a game's success.
  

Hey, you like Silent Hill? You will love THIS!

Pretty tragic! You can picture cramped, sweaty offices with developers trying to put out the best work they can while not getting any resources and knowing they'll never get the credit they deserve. So, what could possibly be going on there? The answer is pretty obvious when you think about it...

Terrible working conditions. Limited contact with the outside world. Sound kind of familiar? Kind of sounds like Conan pushing that giant wheel, right?!?

Konami are attempting to create an army of video game developers in order to take over the world.

Sounds a bit farfetched, I admit, but the clues are all there.

In a recent interview with a Konami representative, video game critic Angry Joe (Joe Vargas) was actually forbidden from even saying Hideo Kojmia's name. Seems a bit weird? A bit like an overreaction? No. A more reasonable reason for this is that Kojima never actually left Konami. He was released into the wild.

Kojima passed every test and became a true unstoppable warrior, utilising his stealth and disguise skills to infiltrate the hearts and minds of the world's gamers. He's a sleeper cell just waiting to be activated when the time is right. Angry Joe wasn't allowed to say his name because that's the kind of fear and respect you earn when you're HIDEO THE BARBARIAN!

Konam!

Recent reports show that Konami profits are up 159%, thanks to mobile games and pachinko machines, which now seems to be their main focus. A betrayal for the fans of franchises like Metal Gear, Castlevania and Silent Hill? Sure! But it makes sense when you think about it; it seems to be an effective way to stock pile money in order to buy nuclear weapons. I'm not saying that Konami are saving up for nukes... But it totally seems that way.

With Silent Hills cancelled, beloved franchises being turned into pachinko machines and the focus on mobile gaming, it's easy to see why video game fans are so irate.

But anger can only last so long. When the furstration is out of their systems, gamers will no doubt ignore poor pathetic Konami! Go away Konami, we will say! We have no need for your silliness! Which will give Konami the perfect opportunity to strike!

How would you like pachinko Castlevania?

Nukes flying everywhere with Pyramid Head painted on the sides of each missile. Skinny, sun deprived video game developers revealing themselves to be true warriors as they rip everyone apart, tearing heads off and chanting the Konami Code! Blood everywhere! Scuba soldiers crawling out of the sea! Carnage!!!

And when the war has finished, Konami will rebuild the world in their image. Everyone will have an eye patch and giant breasts. We will all gamble and pay ridiculously high prices for terrible games... Without complaining about it.

While this is a scary/arousing thought, it's important to remember that Konami are probably way too incompetent to pull this off. But, while we may be safe today, it's important to remain ever vigil. Keep your eye on Konami...


Right! That actually seems like the most logical next step for Konami right now. What's your favorite odd thing Konami did? Let us know in the comments!

Tagged: video games.

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