Why we should all shut up about remakes!

- by Ninja Ross, 10 July 2012

All remakes are good! They should all win intergalactic Oscars and win the best movie of the universe award! I have decreed it so!

Well, ok, there are plenty of awful ones (The Thing “prequel", A Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Taking of Pelham 123, Burton's Planet of the Apes etc.). But a lot of people’s first reaction to the news of a movie being remade is to hate it, write about it on forums and clog up Facebook timelines with “I can’t believe they’re remaking that!”

We all judge movies before we see them, though. Any movie. I knew I’d like Cabin in the Woods before I saw it. I knew I’d hate a lot of films before seeing them. My point is not that we should judge remakes differently, but that we should not be judging them straight away.

I am not saying I’m totally different, either. Judgement is human nature! I judge YOU and I don’t know you! Yeah, you. I was against the TMNT remake as soon as I found out they were going to be aliens. But COME ON! Aliens?!?

Adult Alien Ninja Turtles! Heroes in a halfshell!

And here are two reasons why we should all just shut up and chill out.

NUMBER ONE!

You keep seeing them! Studios aren’t looking through forums to find out what YOU want in a movie; they only pay attention to the box office. To how many of you pay to see it. Sure, you may be buying a ticket to see the movie just so you can be the first to complain about it, but you’re still going to see it. Plus, you’re added to the many people who actually wanted to see the movie and bought the DVD when it was released.

The 2011 remake of Conan made $48,795,021 worldwide (maybe not strictly a remake, but still). The Footloose remake made $62,701,289 while The Rise of the Planet of the Apes made $481,800,87! Source? Your face! Also, Boxofficemojo.com.

What does this tell you? Yes, they earn cash. Your cash. You really want to judge a movie before seeing it just because it’s a remake? Stop seeing them.

THIS IS NUMBER TWO!

You actually like some of them! Shut up, you do! I know you do.

Hey, you know what film was freaking awesome? Made in the 1980s! Yeah, The Thing! I love that movie. What, you do, too? No way! Did you know it’s a remake of an adaption? You know what else is a remake? Fistful of Dollars, Wizard of Oz, The Last House on the Left (1972), The Maltese Falcon and, arguably, 12 Monkeys! What, you loved all those films? But you’re 100% against the Total Recall remake?

Yeah, let’s look at that one, shall we? Total Recall! Starring Colin Farrell and directed by Len Wiseman. Twitter went crazy over this. "YOU NO REMAKE TOTAL RECALL! LEAVE MY NOSTALGIA ALONE! YOU NO SET IT ON MARS?!? EVEN WORSE!"

Yeah, it’s not set on Mars! How crazy is that? Well, not as crazy as you’d think. While this is being marketed as a remake (because we know you love those) it’s more accurate to call it an adaption with the same name as the original adaptation.

Philip K. Dick fans like myself are a little less worried than most people because we’ve seen the trailers, we’ve read the press releases and we know that this is shaping up to be a much more faithful adaption of We Can Remember it For You Wholesale. We can see why they kept "Total Recall" as the title, though.

The original story was not set on Mars. It was about a guy who wanted a memory implant so he could recall being a secret agent on Mars! Of course, it turns out he’s a secret agent already and this procedure begins to awaken buried memories! Or is he? Or isn’t he? Yup, Philip K. Dick liked to have rough sexual intercourse with people’s minds.

So, I’m pretty happy that they’re “remaking” Total Recall. I’m happy that they seem to be staying true to the original short story.

So, now we can be all relaxed when the Robocop remake comes out! Because, let’s face it, it’s probably going to be pretty cool. See? Now you’ve been educated! We can all change! I have excorsised the demon in all of us!

Also, we were able to get a hold of an early photo from the upcoming Terminator remake.

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Let’s end this article on a serious note, though. Hundreds of original, entertaining and super awesome scripts are turned down ever year because of remakes and adaptations that the studio favors. Please, show your support for these poor, innocent scripts by supporting Trash Mutant.

Tagged: movies & tv.

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