The Forgotten Vulnerability

- by Ninja Ross, 1 July 2020

One of the coolest aspects of a superhero is the costume. It’s iconic, gives the superhero a recognisable identity. It’s also functional, having evolved from basic tough fabric and leather, to nano fibre mesh metal nano chain mail kevlar made of nano molecules and meshed nano. But there’s one spot so many superheroes miss. One vital vulnerability… The mouth.
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Take Batman for example: The most high-tech suit and gadgets that money can buy, yet his mouth is nearly always exposed. Not just his mouth, but most of his lower face. Having a fancy bullet-and-knife stopping badass bat jumper isn’t going to stop Bane from kicking his teeth in.
 
To make matters worse, his sidekicks, children, get stuck with the domino mask, one of the worst possible masks around. But maybe when a super villain who only targets the eye area and bridge of the nose strikes, he’ll prove me wrong.
 
A lot of superheroes cover their face in order to protect their identity. While covering half of the face is still better than Superman and his glasses, the lower half of the face is still a recognisable aspect of the face. People are going to question a tan line that looks like a Simpsons beard.
 
Besides dental destruction, it’s important to remember that Batman is often found beating up real low lifes. He gets junkie blood all over him every other night, including in his mouth. Not only is that astonishingly disgusting, but what about AIDS?
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BAT-AIDS

​He’s already likely to have some cuts in and around his mouth from previous fights. That AIDS blood is going right in there, messing around with his none AIDS blood.
 
And this will play havoc on any superhero’s social and professional life. Running around with a mouth covered in cuts, bruises and herpes? Nobody’s going to trust Bruce Wayne with important business decisions if he’s got three cold sores and a busted lip that he blames on a skiing accident.
 
And who’s going to take Matt Murdock seriously in court when he’s looking like that? Being blind and walking into things is one explanations for cuts, but why only the mouth? Is he using broken cups without realising? Add to that some herpes and it’s not looking good for his clients.
 
So many superheroes are at risk of catching AIDS - or many other kinds of viruses - because they simply will not cover their mouths in armour.
 
Daredevil’s going to have all kinds of health problems, probably including AIDS. Hawkman is bound to have bird flu. Booster Gold? AIDS. The Flash? Fast AIDS. The Fantastic Four? The Fantastic AIDS, more like. Captain America, the paragon of all that is good, would have to explain why he has four different STDs. They’re all going to have hepatitis A through to Z at the very least, not including whatever fictional STDs go around in these universes. Space AIDS, most likely.
 
Ugh, it’s disgusting! All this bad guy blood and sweat in their mouths, and they KISS people! They SPREAD these diseases! Imagine the amount of gossip articles about Bruce Wayne, lots of models accusing him of giving them the AIDS and the Gonorrhoea.
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Try explaining that face to the judge in the morning

There are plenty of superheroes out there who don’t even wear a mask at all. Superman, Green Lantern, Captain Marvel, Punisher, Black Canary, a bunch of the X-Men and plenty more have their faces on full display. But what’s worse about the likes of Batman, Daredevil, The Flash and so on is that they’ve clearly put some thought into the facial region. SOME thought. And Batman is easily the worst, given all of his resources and intelligence. He should know better!

How is the mouth something you forget? It’s where you put tasty things! It’s where all the nutrition shakes go so they can be true BEEFCAKES.
 
Where do those cool, threatening one liners come from? The butt?!?
 
Imagine this: one dark night, Batman has tracked Poison Ivy down to her big green house lair. He makes it past her plant goons, ready for the final fight. It’ll be a spectacle for the ages, a clash of titans. But have you ever been in a green house? The place is full of flies trying to get inside you however possible. How embarrassing would it be for Batman if he choked on a fly while breathing in during a scary speech? Do you think Poison Ivy is going to take him seriously after that?
 
She’d incapacitate herself from laughing too hard. And then she’s off to Arkham, where everyone is going to find out the Batman gagged on a poo covered fly. Batman depends on bad guys being scared of him. “Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot”, to quote the man himself. That’s his superhero career ruined, just because he wants to show off his expensive dental work. Expensive dental work covered in poo-fly footprints and AIDS.
 
Spider-Man managed it; He’s safe from Green Goblin gonorrhoea, as long as he doesn’t lick his mask. The Red Hood has a nice shiny full face mask, so gross stuff will just wipe off. And Iron Man’s got nothing to worry about! His mouth is always going to be pristine, unless he falls over and hits his face. It’s the womanising that’ll give him the AIDS.
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Hey baby, want some of my sweet AIDS?

​There is no excuse for these people not to be covering their mouths. Spider-Man and Deadpool, two characters known for being incredibly talkative, both have full masks and people still hear them clearly. And if you can afford fancy metals and fibres to cover your mouth, you can afford a microphone.
 
For their own health, superheroes need to start dealing with this chink in the armour. Right now it’s like an Achilles heel for the face. Superheroes might as well wear crotchless onesies while jumping over barbed wire fences.
 
Have you spotted any other vulnerabilities besides the stupid lack of mouth protection? Let us know in the comments below!
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Tagged: Comics.

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