Trash Mutant Investigates David Lynch

- by Ninja Ross, 19 August 2022

As you may have noticed, Trash Mutant has been inactive since July 2020. While the absence wasn’t ideal, it was necessary in order to complete my investigation. Below, I shall detail what I have learned about David Lynch’s life, answer questions about his upcoming project, “Wisteria”, and explain the sudden silence of Trash Mutant.
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It began with simple curiosity; David Lynch’s “Wisteria” project had recently been announced with very few details and, as a David Lynch fan, I was very excited and wanted to know more immediately. Since waiting is for losers, on the 16th of August 2020 I decided to be proactive, to chase the answers down myself.

Reasoning that time zone differences would mean that information comes out quicker in America, I travelled to Los Angeles, to be closer to the man himself. However, since the U.K is actually ahead of America, I had to catch a flight going in the opposite direction so I could approach America from its earlier side, therefore arriving ahead of the U.K and, hopefully, in time for fresh information.
 
By the 31st of November 2021, a little over three months after arriving, reports began suggesting that the project was also going by the name “Unrecorded Night”. This titbit was not good enough for me, I needed something more concrete, some real information that would blow everyone’s mind. What the hell does “Unrecorded Night” mean, anyway? Could it be a confusing artistic piece about a cameraman who forgets to take the lens cap off during the filming of a night scene? A documentary on the poor state of CCTV night vision? Porn? I just had to know.

Now, I’m not ashamed to admit that I broke into David Lynch’s house to look for information. I understand it’s illegal and immoral, but it had to be done, in the name of journalism. Besides, my intrusion was the least horrifying thing that happened during my time there.
 
The idea was to rifle through whatever papers happened to be lying around to find the the details I was after - as per spy movies - but the sound of Mr. Lynch returning home forced me to seek refuge in a conveniently placed closet located in his living room.
 
All I had with me was my camera phone, which mysteriously lost signal as soon as I entered the building. If I had known that he wouldn’t leave the room until July 2022, I would have taken nourishment and maybe a change of clothes. Instead, I had to reach through the slats of his closet door to retrieve scraps of BLT sandwiches, which he would toss aimlessly around the room when he was done with them.
 
To make sure I complied with COVID-19 guidelines, I was forced to use Lynch’s used lateral flow tests when they rolled off the coffee table in the middle of the room and along the surprisingly uneven ground, stopping at the closet door just within reach.
 
I didn’t once see him sleep. When tiredness took me over and I was forced to slumber, I’d always awake to find him in the exact same position as when I fell asleep, almost as if I had put him on pause by closing my eyes.
 
A lot happened in that living room as I stared from between the wooden slats. I understood very little at the time, but, since I’ve returned home and begun catching up on what I’ve missed, things have started making more and more sense.
 
I was awoken one night in February 2021 by the sound of arguing. Despite still being exhausted from joining Lynch in a Desperate Housewives marathon rewatch the night before (unbeknownst to him, it was a wonderful night together), I leaned in close so I could hear what was being discussed. To my surprise, we had a guest: the always fabulous Laura Dern.
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Lynch looks on, unimpressed, as Laura gives him a what for

​The topic of conversation was Lynch’s short film “What Did Jack Do?” in which he played a homicide detective interrogating a monkey in a locked down train station. Laura seemed to want an apology for something he’d done or created. I couldn’t quite hear the details of what had upset her so much, I just know she held him responsible for it.
 
Soon, Lynch began ranting about gangster apes taking over the internet-sphere, all the same but all different. Spittle flew from his mouth as he got more agitated. Eventually, all he was doing was shouting “fungible” in Laura’s face repeatedly, really stressing the F. But, even more off putting than that was when Dern looked directly at me and screamed “Monkeys, David?!? Monkeys?!?” before swiftly leaving in tears, with David shouting after her “they’re apes, Laura!” Now that I know what an NFT is (as much as anyone can really know what an NFT is), it all makes a lot more sense.
 
As soon as he heard the door slam, Lynch ran to the phone, dialled and shouted “Not yet! I’m not ready!” I now realise this is why production on “Wisteria/Unrecorded Night” didn’t begin in Spring as planned, and that it must have been somebody from Netflix on the other end of the call.
 
After hanging up the phone, Lynch proceeded to sit “alone” on his sofa, completely silent. He remained mute until a beautiful afternoon on the 17th of June 2021.

I had made a home for myself in David Lynch’s closet by that point, using my own waste to grow fat mushrooms in the corner, reading dropped take away menus for fun and conversing quietly with the wall whenever it chose to whisper its dreadful forbidden knowledge to me.
 
While I had all the necessities a person could need, I still greatly missed music and, as the sun shone through the dusty wooden slats in the closet door, the absence of an upbeat tune was getting almost painful. As if reading my mind, Lynch set up his stereo and put the needle down, letting the opening of Duran Duran’s “Rio” fill the room.
 
I waited for lyrics to chime in, but the song continued wordlessly until the chorus, which was when he began singing so loudly and off key that he seemed more like a drunk at a bust stop than a master director.
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His new lyrics were perfectly in time with the lyrics that should have been there instead. Below is a transcript of Lynch’s version.
 
“UOY TAE EMOS POOP NEHT UOY NAC TAE EMOS YTLAS STUN. S’TI YTTERP SSORG, TUB WON ENO RO OWT T’NOW LLIK UOY! RUOY SESSENKAEW ERA GNINNIGEB OT YLLANIF EDAF, NOOS STUNAEP LLIW ESAEC OT TSIXE SSORCA EHT OIR EDNARG!” - At the time, this was just a catchy bit of gibberish. I thought maybe it had something to do with his documentary “Duran Duran: Upstaged.” However, now that I’ve written it down and caught up with some science news, I know exactly what it was about.

On the 15th of December 2021, I was lucky enough to get my first real bit of juicy gossip. Without an internet connection it was completely useless to me, however. Still, I can at least offer some insight into Lynch’s initial meeting with Steven Spielberg when he visited to discuss his upcoming movie “The Fabelmans”.

They sat together and engaged in small talk for a long time, barely even discussing the film, until Lynch gently patted Spielberg’s knee to silence him. Below is a transcript of the recording I made with my phone. Unfortunately, just like every conversation I recorded during my time in Lynch’s closet, there was nothing but static when I listened for a second time, as if the words have been transferred to the air itself.
 
“Steven, in May this year they found 17 decapitated skeletons in England… Cambridgeshire, specifically. It’s too late now and I think we’ll be fine, but… I think it means that Daniel Radcliffe will be playing Weird Al Yankovic in a movie. But they can’t know they were skeletons before they died or it’ll all go horribly wrong. Oh, and before I forget…”

He then proceeded to wiggle his fingers in front of his face until Spielberg nervously placed some papers on the floor and left, careful never to turn his back to Lynch.
 
One week later, Kyle MacLachlan’s disembodied head began appearing, hovering in mid-air. At first, Lynch waved the floating head away as if it were a fly, causing it to vanish as suddenly as it had appeared.
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The kind of fuel Kyle MacLachlan uses in his neck thruster is still unknown

​​MacLachlan seemed to be shouting something repeatedly, but it was buried under the overwhelming sound of static, crackling fires and anxious worms crawling through mud that seemed to accompany him every time he appeared.
 
As MacLachlan grew more annoyed, his voice became clearer. Eventually, I was able to make out what he was saying: “Let him go, David. It’s not a comfortable closet. He’s eating poop mushrooms.”
 
While it sure was nice of MacLachlan to care, he wasn’t being at all helpful. It just made Lynch start shooting dirty looks at the closet, terrifying me.
 
At Christmas, Lynch cooked an entire Christmas dinner - turkey, chicken, sprouts, potatoes and so on. It was a feast meant for at least eight, but he ate nearly the whole thing himself, occasionally tossing turkey skin and sprout ends towards the closet, which I ate happily when I thought he wasn’t looking.
 
In the early hours of the 6th of January 2022, Lynch finally caught MacLachlan’s head under a glass bowl. He ate it raw, sucking the last of the fat and juices completely off the skull, just before he recorded his weather report for that day.

​The weeks that followed were quiet. Lynch spent a lot of time sitting, seemingly waiting for something. He would occasionally glance towards the closet, but said nothing.
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The last photo I managed to take. Lynch would sit like this for hours, even days

​Despite only turning it on when I needed to, my phone ran out of battery in mid march. I began feeling hopeless and bored beyond all imagining.
 
As the sun rose on an April morning, David began to twitch; subtle at first, but quickly increasing in violence as he began to fade in and out of focus, until a loud bang froze him completely. And then, as if nothing had happened, he picked up the phone and dialled. The below is from memory:
 
“They’ve fallen for it, they think I’ll be at Cannes. We should have another hundred years before we have to absorb again, which should be around the time humanity create light rays using nano bots. In the meantime, how about we get some gelato?”
 
Of course, this is in reference to the rumours that a secret David Lynch project would be showing at Cannes 2022. He denied this in an interview, but at no point did I ever see him speak to anyone from Entertainment Weekly. Or any other publication, for that matter…
 
On the morning of the 14th of July 2022, there was an ominous knock at the front door. Lynch had taken to sitting in silence again, ignoring any attempt from the outside world to contact him, but something about this particular knock made him panic. His breathing became ragged, he clutched at his chest and black bile began pouring from his mouth and all down his front.
 
I heard the door open and saw what looked like David Lynch enter the living room. They fought for a time, eventually crashing into the closet door. They both looked up at me and one of them shouted for me to run, an order I promptly obeyed. I jumped over the brawling Lynches and fled out through the front door, returning only to get my phone and an extra lateral flow test for the road.
 
Now that I’m back home, I wish I had stayed to see the outcome of the battle of the Lynches. I wish I knew which one had won and how much we need to worry about the rest of 2022. All we can really do now is hope that the winner won’t let Unrecorded Night/Wisteria die.
 
Above is only a taste of what was said, but he spoke about lot of things that still don’t make sense to me. I don’t think any of it relates to anything that’s happened quite yet, so I’ve included a few quotes below in the hope they’ll make sense to someone out there and we can begin preparing for whatever it could mean for the future.
 
To himself over and over again as he danced to hours of jazz - “My arms aren’t real. I left them at a diner in a country that doesn’t exist anymore.”
 
While in a zoom call with a blank screen, the only sound a chorus of mumbles and giggles - “You think you’re a void of nothingness hungry for the unknowable, horrific depths of mankind’s collective soul? Wait until you get a load of September’s organic monsoon! Boy, that’ll be fun!” - Editor’s note: This seems the most urgent one, given that it’s August as of publishing.
 
Said casually during a non-stop chess match with Sherilyn Fenn that lasted for two weeks in August - “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
 
Out loud in response to a fan letter he pulled from his sleeve with a vaguely confused expression on his face - “What’s my favourite thing to drink? Well, like you said, the moon hasn’t been there for decades. At least not the MOON moon, you know? Did you see who took it? Hello? Can you hear me?”
 
Said slowly and quietly, directed at someone or something that stood just out of view next to the closet door - “No… I don’t think they’ll eat it, it’s been sitting under the glass for too long. They’ll only eat the fresh, ground up stuff.”
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If you have any insight or theories as to what any of this could possibly mean, please leave us a comment below and maybe - just maybe - we can figure this out together.
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Tagged: Movies & TV

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