Trash Talk: The Funko POP Eco DisasterSince its 2010 launch, the Funko POP! line of collectible vinyl figurines has been consistently growing in popularity, becoming a worldwide phenomenon. In just a short period, everything from “The Brady Bunch” to Migos got their own line of POPs, and that’s not even counting the tens of variants - from vac-metalized, translucent to flocked, you name it - ...and everybody was loving it. That is until late 2019, when sales began rapidly declining, Funko stock plummeted 39% and it became clear that humanity has overproduced pop culture-related vinyl. Non-degradable, nearly impossible to recycle vinyl.
SEÑOR EDITOR: Welcome to another installment of Trash Talk. I’m sad to say this, but this time we will be actually talking about trash - or to be more precise, about an obvious and very real threat to our planet. Now Ross, I think it’s safe to say that anybody that knows us or has read our work in the past, knows that we’re both very passionate about ecology. NINJA ROSS: Ecology is an incredibly important subject, very close to both of our hearts. We care about this planet. Without a planet, where would we put things? SE: That’s why we thought it’s our responsibility to address this topic. Funko POP! collectibles are still selling well, but last year’s sales fell short of reaching the expected numbers, and it’s clear there’s now a lot more cute vinyl chachkies in the world than anybody wants or needs. In fact, Funko themselves stated that it will cost nearly 17 million dollars to dispose of some “slower moving inventory” from the end of last year. And how exactly are they going to ‘dispose’ of it? NR: The name Trash Mutant isn’t just something we pulled out of thin air; we know trash. Plastic is notorious for being hard to get rid of and vinyl is one of the worst of them. Not to mention reports of the company destroying excess figures, instead of recycling or donating products. CEO Brian Mariotti is going to give us a huge toxic Funko death island in the middle of the ocean. Sea creatures will be found with a Will Smith’s Genie from Aladdin POP rupturing their stomach. Dolphins will be gutted by Jason Momoa Aquaman POPs and sharks will choke on Starkist’s Charlie the Tuna POPs. And that’s barely scratching the surface of the global effects of excess vinyl Funko POPs. SE: And it’s not like it’s just the health of the fish that’s at stake. We eat those fish. Worst of all, our children and hypothetical children eat them. And polyvinyl chloride poisoning, as you well know, is no joke! Just what kind of birth defect-ridden planet are we leaving for our young ones? 
SE: Also, even if these “slow moving” POPs actually get completely disposed of, it’s still just a tiny batch of them. And the cost of that was 17 million. What kind of investment would be needed to completely clean the planet of this seemingly indestructible threat? Even if somebody like Jeff Bezos devoted their life and money to removing Funko POPs from the face of the Earth, chances are it wouldn’t be enough. NR: No. It’s already too late and it’s not like we’re going to see an end to POP production any time soon. Despite their recent stock market woes, they will continue making them. And there’s only so much pop culture they can turn into emotionless, dead-eyed world killers. Should we expect to see the likes of the dog from Stuber on the shelves? Our end will come in the form of special editions of unknown characters in forgettable movies. SE: While the movies may be forgettable, it’s entirely possible that Funko POPs will outlive our entire civilization and in thousands of years be the only thing we will be remembered by. Just imagine, in the far future, some brave new species or alien visitors uncovering hundreds upon hundreds of these vinyl figurines. What kind of opinion would they form about us? Would they think we were grotesquely disfigured beings with giant square-ish heads and tiny weak bodies? The mere thought of it makes me sick. NR: People work hard on their appearance! And future alien archaeologists are going to dig these things up and think that's what we looked like; some big headed freaks who were sometimes a gold colour or sometimes only available at select conventions. They could also think these things were deities that we worshipped. And that could be even worse! I don't want cool aliens thinking MiB: International was a religious experience. Whatever species that replaces us would use them as an example of how stupid our kind were. SE: Remember that classic “Planet of the Apes” scene where Charlton Heston confronts the apes about a human doll found in the Forbidden Zone? The talking doll was the only proof left that humans were once the dominant, civilized species. Now let’s put a Funko POP there instead of the doll. Heston would probably only manage to say “Doctor Zaius, would an ape make a…” before looking at what exactly the POP is, pausing, and suddenly changing his mind about getting that lobotomy done after all. No, an ape wouldn’t make something like this. These things can’t be what remains after humanity is gone. But if we can’t effectively dispose of them, is there any way we could use them? With their sturdiness and durability, Funko POPs could possibly be used for creating affordable housing in third world countries. Sure, their shape maybe doesn’t seem like it’s perfect for construction purposes, but there must be a way to make it work. Construction is more your area of expertise, so what do you say? Maybe Funko POPs bound by mud? Corn starch? NR: It's definitely something that could work. Using just the heads would create a nice, stable wall using just basic cement or even mud. Walls of lifeless, almost featureless faces with unblinking eyes can watch you in the night, helping you sleep. All the leftover bodies could be the start of a vinyl body patio furniture boom, creating jobs in the future as well as saving our environment. Or maybe pyramids would be the best type of housing, should you want to keep the bodies as part of the building material. Put the first layer so the bodies are in the foundation, unseen, but then add the next layer by securing the head of the first layer to the body of the second. Continue that until you have a POP pyramid. SE: If that means African families could comfortably live in their POP-constructed huts, then it’s one way to turn a global problem into an opportunity. These families could spend their days very much like well off 20-something American nerds do: with their Sheldons, Marios and Fortnites looking right at them from their very walls. If that’s not civilizational progress, I don’t know what is. NR: Affordable housing isn't the only possibility, of course! Over the last few years, several highly respected bowling experts have been predicting a pin shortage. If those unsold POP’s are going to waste, why not store a chunk of them in a bowling warehouse of some kind? In fact, we could replace wooden pins altogether, maybe give the trees a bit of a break! SE: Absolutely, Ross - no reason to ever use wood again, when we have more POPs than we’ll ever need. How else could the POPs actually be made helpful? NR: I assume teddy bears get worn out being touched in therapist offices all the time. Vinyl might solve that problem. Saying “show me on this Tupac Shakur Funko POP where your teacher touched you” could become standard for any therapist. SE: Well, you’ve given me some hope there. I’d like to believe this disaster can still be avoided, but on the other hand, the amount of big-headed, dead-eyed vinyl on this poor planet is just staggering. What will the future hold? NR: Sure, disaster could potentially be avoided. But I think the best thing to do is act cautiously and assume we're all going to die very soon. It's not impossible to fix, but with companies like Funko not taking enough responsibility, death is clearly imminent. Do you have any ideas on how to shift these spare Funko POPs? Let us know down below! 
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