WWIII Won’t be That Bad2020 has started a bit scary, hasn’t it? The phrase “World War Three” has been flying around and people seem to be a bit panicked by it. Understandably so, the idea of dying in a nuclear blast doesn’t sound so fun. Even less fun is your skin sloughing off and brain tumours popping your eyes out thanks to radiation poisoning.
So THAT part of it sounds bad, sure. But for the lucky ones, and those of us who have been stocking up supplies and building fallout shelters, life will more or less go on. And for those of us who do survive to see the birth of a radioactive wasteland, it’s worth keeping in mind all the good things that will come of the destruction of nearly all humans. The best thing about a wasteland is how quiet it is. Have you ever turned the music off while playing a Fallout game? Nothing but nuclear wind blowing though charred trees. How nice does that sound? If it wasn’t for all the engine revving and shouting Australians, the deserts of Mad Max would be the perfect place to relax with a book and catch a tan. I wouldn’t advise it due to the radiation, but you could even go into a city and not be bombarded by the sounds of cars and muggings. Even better, people won’t be walking towards you down the street three abreast, refusing to walk in single file to allow you to pass. There’d also be nobody knocking at your door advertising energy providers or religion. No phone calls from computerised voices, telling you you’ve been in an accident. No yapping neighbourhood dogs or squealing kids riding bikes. Just the sound of death. And death is silent. Well, mostly silent. I expect there’ll be a lot of crying and screaming at the start, a lot of people screaming “why God” etc. But AFTER that, it’ll be super quiet The clothes we currently wear are pretty boring, you must admit. Drab track suits with a tick on them? ADIDAS splashed across boring, otherwise plain shoes? Suits?!? Clothing couldn’t get any more boring. But in an apocalyptic wasteland, that’s not gonna cut it! You can’t walk around in a T-shirt and jeans, somebody is going to shoot you and quite possibly do some weird stuff with your corpse! No, you need armour! Leather and salvaged metal. And shoulder pad spikes! Knee pad spikes! Elbow pad spikes! Crotch spikes, even! Just cover everything in spikes, just in case. You only have to look at the Mad Max franchise to see how cool you’re gonna look. Not so much the dirty innocent people, but look at people like The Lord Humungus, Auntie Entity, The Doof Warrior or even Max himself. As far as I can tell, the more people you kill in the wasteland, the cooler your clothes look. But don’t let that stop you from making some sweet armour designs right now!
This should have been pretty obvious from the start, really. Everything will be free after the bombs drop. And there’ll be no lines at the checkout! You won’t even need to go to the checkout! Loyalty card? Nah! Put your penny change in the charity box? Nope! Any pennies I find will be used to throw at windows or scratch all the lottery tickets to see how many are winners. I don’t know about you, but I’m already keeping my eye out for things I’m gonna go back and steal. I’m gonna fill my shelter up with pure coolness. I’ll have a sweet sound system, a massive TV and all of the Blu-rays. As long as I can figure out how generators work, of course. I’m also thinking of having human skulls lining the door. I haven’t made my mind up on that, yet. But an armchair made of bubble wrap is a definite. Real life mutants! I understand that we’re probably not going to get superheroes flying around the wasteland, but that doesn’t mean we won’t have some real cool freaks to stare at. There are people in the world who are more boring than seems natural. Some people are so boring that you fall asleep as soon as their names are mentioned, like a hypnotic suggestion. But imagine those boring people with seven arms or toenails growing out of their eyebrows. Those people go from depressingly lifeless and monotonous to the most interesting people in your life after just a couple of nukes. And with these mutated individuals, we could create mutant armies! We could start a game of mutant wars, where we send out the best mutants to fight each other. Everyone gets their own set of mutants to fight other people’s mutant soldiers, so we can trade, team up and so on. And when the inevitable mutant uprising happens and we’re sacrificed to their new radioactive God, we can die knowing that we’ve helped them become as tough as possible to survive the wasteland. And if it’s me that gets mutated, I’m ok with that. I’m happy to be the ultimate Trash Mutant! All in all, it’s not looking so bad! Maybe Trump isn’t a complete moron, maybe he’s just really excited about the spikes. And who can blame him for that? What are you most looking forward to about WWIII? Let us know in the comments! |
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