3 Online Lists That Should Feature Christopher Lambert

- by Señor Editor, 23 March 2016

Ever since the CIA invented the internet, online lists have been an important part of our culture. Whether it’s Top 5 Best Movies of 1927, Top 20 Superman Stories, 25 Best Luke Perry Lunchboxes or Top 10 Hand Amputations in Star Wars, it’s clear that our society needs everything to be listed and ranked. Here on TrashMutant.com we not only embraced this format since day one, but we also feel a responsibility in helping make online lists in general as accurate and thorough as possible. To advance this mission, I am here today to talk about 3 online lists that should definitely feature character actor Christopher Lambert.

Even before computers with online access became common household items, people have had a fascination with the unexplained. Crop circles, Roanoke, the Roswell incident or Christopher Lambert are, to this very day, things that make us go “Huh.” While I have no doubt that all of these things deserve to be featured at least in the top 3 section of  any number of online lists, I do believe people have more problems when it comes to the placement of the celebrated French-American performer. No worries, though – I’m here to help!

Lifehack articles have been a hot thing in recent years, and lifehack lists are even better. Why not write about things that make your life easier in the world’s easiest to read format? Best of both worlds! If you’re planning a lifehacks list that ranks the best surfaces you could use for an impromptu screening of your favorite movie, then first of all: great idea! And second: you should definitely include Christopher Lambert on your list.

Christopher Lambert is one of those unique actors blessed with iconic, defining physical features. He is to foreheads what Bruce Campbell is to chins, but good luck projecting your movie onto a chin! That’s one angry viewing party waiting to happen.

Now that's movie magic!

The César Award winner offers a smooth, perfectly flat surface that’s compatible with all film aspect ratios, making him a lifesaver and an obvious choice for those movie buffs that have found themselves without a proper screen. ​

Whether you’re a fierce opponent of whitewashing in movies or delight at the thought of characters from different cultures and races being played exclusively by white people in different kinds of makeup, it is crucial for your list to include Christopher Lambert.

In 1995 Lambert’s decision to star in Paul W.S. Anderson’s “Mortal Kombat” came as a surprise to many. The idea that he’s playing Raiden, a very Asian god of thunder, is even more baffling, unless you really pay attention to his performance.

All white everything.

Whenever he's not wearing the iconical conical hat in the movie, Lambert looks like a French-American Targaryen halfway through getting into a Gandalf costume. He is literally all white. The subtext couldn't have been clearer and Christopher Lambert’s plan starts to make sense. He isn’t just portraying Raiden - he’s portraying whitewashing itself, making it a risky move in his career to give fans of video game movies his commentary on Hollywood’s racial politics. We see him standing there, in his Chinese hat, with poorly done lightning bolt effects coming out of his eyes, and his message to us is clear: “Look at me! I am Whitewashing. This is how offensively dumb it is! I am not even remotely Asian! Do you like this??? Heh heh heh heh!” 

Mortal Kombat may not make it onto any “Best Of” lists of controversial political movies, but Christopher Lambert’s inspirational performance art certainly earns him a spot on any “Racial Representation in Media” list.

If you're a business writer wanting to impress your editor with a well-researched list of the greatest threats to the insurance industry, you should probably look into entertainment insurance for film, actors and production. Specifically, you should make sure your list includes Christopher Lambert.

One of the most beloved things about Christopher Lambert is that he's a man that never shies away from performing his own stunts. While this can certainly rub insurance companies the wrong way, that alone really isn't that special - a lot of actors do that, after long months of training. Things get a lot more exciting when you consider that Christopher Lambert has been suffering from myopia, a condition that causes his eyes to focus incorrectly, for his entire career in film.

Despite not being able to wear contact lenses, such trifles as blurry vision, inability to tell the exact distance, or being virtually blind never stopped Lambert from riding a horse on the edge of a cliff, or fighting his co-stars with heavy swords connected to car batteries (that's where all the sparks come from in those classic duels!). Though spiteful commentators could chalk Lambert’s “down for whatever” attitude to the fact he barely knew English for the first two of his three biggest movies, it’s impossible to deny his dedication to art. In fact, it's actually Christopher Lambert's daredevil approach to stunts, as well as his French-American balls of steel, that inspired Queen to write their song "Who Wants To Live Forever?" for the "Highlander" OST.

All the people in this photo were hospitalized.

Even though the list of injuries the actors suffered while making the "Highlander" movies is enough to put any insurance company out of business, it's a relief to the industry that Christopher Lambert's been doing less stunt work in recent years. Still, as long as he performs, he should definitely appear at least at number 14 in your Biggest Threats To The Insurance Industry list.

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I hope this list gave you some great tips and ideas for creating even better online lists, and I’m looking forward to seeing Christopher Lambert on all of them. Share your list ideas or links to finished pieces in the comments and let’s get a discussion going!

Tagged: movies & TV.

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