5 Manliest Video Game CharactersQuick! Stop! Before we even start this thing, ask yourself: How manly was your day? How macho do you feel right now? Did you rescue dogs from burning tents? Fight a man with a moustache? If you did these things, good for you. You are manly. But not as manly as the video game characters I’m going to force you to look at.
LET’S GET MANLY. Number 5! The Least Manly of the Bunch! Marcus Freaking Fenix!!! If manliness was decided by voice alone,
Fenix would win with ease. John DiMaggio (Adventure Time and Futurama) puts so
much gravel into this performance, it feels like he’s going to throw up a drive
way.
But, besides a manly voice, he’s also pretty freaking manly in general. Not many people can cut up funny looking monsters with a chainsaw gun. And not manly people can do it in as manly a way as this guy. While his manly manliness cannot be argued with for the most part, he does lose points for having a soul patch. That’s not a good look. INCREASE MANLINESS! Number 4! Lara Cr- Lara Croft? Yeah, Lara Croft. Because manliness is a state of being, not a gender! Anyone can be ultra manly! Even YOU. Especially ME.
Lara Croft has got the confidence, the skills and even the guns to pull of manliness. How many T-Rex's has Marcus “Stupid-Soul-Patch” put down? Zero. Zero T-Rex’s. Lara Croft shoots T-Rex's with handguns for fun. She raids Tombs better than anyone. She only has to look at a Tomb and it cries for a thousand years, flooding nearby villages. Lara Croft can kick the crap out of Marcus Fenix. Manlier, I say! Manlier! Number 3! Commander Shepard! UGH! FEEL THE MANLY! Commander Shepard spends his time blowing stuff up, head butting giant turtles monsters and saving the freaking galaxy. A giant squid robot ain’t nothing to Shepard!
Sure, Lara can raid some tombs in style. But Commander Shepard can raid planets with his manly probe and take whatever he wants from it. Not only is Commander Shepard the third most manly video game character to ever exist, but the Macho Manly Miracle of Sound was inspired by the sheer testosterone to create this song: Commander Shepard can beat the crap out of Lara Croft and Marcus Fenix. So Manly Number 2. So Manly. Number. 2. Max Payne! His name is Max Payne. Maximum Payne!
That’s so manly, it’s Payneful!
I never thought I could enjoy a story with the main character constantly talking about how miserable his life is, but here we are, celebrating Max Payne. His narration through the entire series is unmatched by any other video game protagonist. Heck, not a lot of characters in any medium could beat this guy at talking. Granted, he’s no Fenix in the gravel department, but the gravel isn’t needed. Not only can this guy talk the talk, but he can also walk the walk. Forget walking, Payne dives everywhere. He dives in slow motion. That’s manliness right there. This guy takes bullets constantly, but does he whine like some guys do? No. He pops a painkiller and gets on with it. “Here I was, full of bullet holes. I’m so sad.” One bottle of painkillers later and he’s only sad. Slightly less sad, really... High, in fact. Maximum Payne can kick the crap out of Commander Shepard, Lara Croft and Marcus Fenix. But... Who can beat all of these masters of manliness? Number 1. Robocop. It’s always going to be Robocop. Yes,
he counts. There are Robocop video games.
I don’t think I need to explain why Robocop is number one, though. You know it’s right. And that’s the manliest list you’ve ever read. Don’t you feel even more manly, now? GO OUT AND FIGHT A BEAR. |
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