Awful Movies Improved By Adding Cannibals

- by Ninja Ross, 11 July 2015

There are some seriously bad movies in the world. The kind of movies that steal hours from you. Hours that you can never get back. Hours that would have been better spent doing push ups or whatever it is people do. But no movie is beyond help. I believe that pretty much any movie can be improved by one simple addition: A cannibal. Today we're going to look at how the addition of some of pop culture's favourite cannibals can improve some of the worst movies to ever exist.

"BATMAN AND ROBIN"

Batman and Robin is terrible. We all know that. The only thing it has going for it is Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze and we all know Arnie can save anything from complete terribleness. But you know what else could have helped a heck of a lot? Hannibal Lecter as Robin.

Do you think Hannibal would say something like “I want a car. Chicks dig the car”? No, he most certainly wouldn't. Hannibal's a classy cannibal with manners and sophistication. We'd have a less whiny Robin and a more... likeable one. One with lines that would match even Arnie's!

Lines like “I'm not fond of vegetarian dishes”, “I'll eat something from the freezer” or “I'm going to rip your face off and eat it” or whatever. Real cool lines.

While Lecter may not be great at the actual crime fighting, I feel that he'd probably be better at the “striking fear into the hearts of criminals” thing.

When Lecter is chowing down on Bane's brain with some nice Chianti, you're not going to be paying attention to Clooney's bat nipples. You're going to be more interested in what kind of cleaning product Alfred's going to use to wash Robin's outfit.

"MAID IN MANHATTAN"

Jennifer Lopez is a maid! She's in Manhattan! What wonderful word play!

In the movie, Jennifer Lopez plays Marisa Ventura, a young mom working as a maid. When Chris Marshall, played by Ralph Fiennes, stays at the hotel while running for office, he accidentally walks in on Ventura trying on one of the hotel guest's Dolce and Gabbana dress.

The usual romance ensues, and he takes her out to dinner while under the impression she's a fellow guest.

While eating dinner, Marshall mentions that he and the other guests are all members of the White Glove Society, a group of rich cannibals from Fallout: New Vegas and she is currently eating human meat.

In the original movie, they develop a relationship as they go on dates, have comedic adventures and every other romantic comedy cliché you can think of. In this movie, the relationship develops more out of survival, as she finds out the people they were eating were her fellow staff. Every day out is awkward. When he's laughing about how charming he is, she's fearing for her life.

This all helps avoid the terrible clichés and helps create a unique, interesting movie featuring much more interesting characters.

"PAUL BLART: MALL COP"

Kevin James isn't a terrible comedic actor. He's even kind of likeable at times. Granted, he hasn't been funny or likeable since King of Queens (even then...), but still! But it seems like he's on a mission to make some real terrible comedy movies.

In Paul Blart: Mall Cop, James plays Paul Blart, the typical overweight loser who just wants to be happy. He wants to be a cop, to fall in love, to support his family and blah blah blah.

Blart is tasked with training a young rookie, who (spoiler al-Whatever) turns out to be the leader of a bunch of bank robbers! Now, what if, instead of being Keir O'Donnel, the young rookie was Leatherface? And instead of a bank robbery, it was a chainsaw massacre?

That segway isn't going to outrun Leatherface. There's no way. 20 minutes of story set up and he's tied to a chair in some kitchen store, ready to be fed the very people he swore to protect before being bludgeoned, chopped up and eaten. Yeah, this would be a much darker movie with Leatherface... A superior movie!

"LEFT BEHIND"

Nicolas Cage is in some real bad movies. You've probably seen The Wicker Man, so you know how bad things can get for Cage. While Wicker Man would probably be one of the first awful Nicolas Cage movies you think of, Left Behind is so much worse. Perhaps not as famous, but definitely worse.

For those who don't know, it's about a group of survivors who are left behind when everyone else is taken up to heaven. Cage plays Rayford Steele, a pilot who has been cheating on his wife, which isn't something that God looks favourably upon. So, instead of hanging out in heaven, Cage has to keep a plane load of people alive and safe while he finds a landing spot. Steele's daughter Chloe, played by Cassi Thomson, is stuck on the ground, thinking everyone she cares about is dead or has disappeared. Riveting stuff.

Now, instead of the boring, somber music that keeps playing and the miserable crying and complaining everyone does, what if we have music from the Fine Young Cannibals?

Not just providing a soundtrack, of course; the band would be a constant feature in every scene. When Cage admits to cheating on his wife? There they are, playing their version of “Ever Fallen in Love.”

When Chloe's thinking of jumping off a bridge because she just can't take it anymore? There goes Roland Gift singing “Good Thing.” 

With just that one simple change, we have a film worth watching over and over.

These are some seriously awful movies, but, as you can see thanks to cannibals, things have been drastically improved. No longer must we suffer tragically bad movies. Now we have the ingredients to create slightly less bad movies!

Yeah! Leave your cannibalistic suggestions for bad movies below!

Tagged: movies & TV.

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