"Corn the Barbarian" (Slime Fiction)

- by Łukasz Kowalczuk, 20 September 2018

Slime Fiction is a series of short (from half a page to several pages long) stories about wrestlers, crabs, monsters, aliens and all kinds of things that make this world a beautiful place. Created by Łukasz Kowalczuk. Proudly hosted by Trash Mutant.
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- I don’t eat anything that had eyes! – roared Corn the Barbarian, as he entered the tavern. He was hungry and had a bad day, although the former led to the latter. They didn’t pay him any attention, but he knew it was all pretend. The half-Orc standing nearest to him smiled, but the Barbarian knew this kind of people well – know-it-alls, always pitching in on every topic. Corn’s elbow landed on his almost-handsome face, right before the half-Orc could tell him anything about how a vegetable diet affects masculinity.
 
A shocked waitress rushed to help the knocked out client. She gave Corn a surprised look.
- But why? Why would you…? – he had heard it all before, countless times.

He gave the wench a swift kick just to show her his boots aren’t made from real leather. Synthetic shoes cost him a fortune – a literal one, that he won in the battle with the Skrak horde. He didn’t risk his life for some carcass-eating whore to question how dedicated he was to his vegetarian ways. The girl fell right next to the two guards. Before they could assess the situation, a bench propelled by Corn’s enormous arms shattered both of their skulls.
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- Anemic? Me?! – The Barbarian was in a frenzy. Enough explaining. He didn’t want another pointless discussion about proteins. He would burn this place to the ground.
 
The chef, who was also the establishment’s owner, came out from behind the counter. The mighty mustachioed man was almost as large as Corn.
- What the fuck is this supposed to be?! Try someone your own size! – he yelled, while grabbing his axe.
- Iron deficiency? I’ll show you iron deficiency! – the Barbarian threw his sword right into his opponent’s chest. The chef slid to the floor, as the crimson stain of blood on his apron grew larger.

​*

Nobody was running. The warrior stood in the center of the ruined tavern, with lifeless bodies lying all around him. He took his blade out of the chef’s body, put his hands on the hilt and stood there with his muscular chest proudly displayed.
 
- Does anybody have anything to add?! – Corn’s one eyebrow was raised as high as humanly possible.
- Yes… - gurgled the chef.
- Well??
- This is… a vegetarian… tavern.
 
The Barbarian quickly jumped towards the owner. He wanted to stop the bleeding, help, make up for everything, but it was too late. Too late for lentil soup. Too late for tofurkey. Too late for a seitan roast. These were all things he’d gladly eat, had he only noticed the menu.​

He closed his victim’s eyes. He didn’t have the stomach to plunder the kitchen, he only took some fresh greens and left the tavern. Adventure was awaiting him right around the corner, but the next vegetarian tavern was probably miles away. A giant tear ran down his barbaric cheek.


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"Corn the Barbarian" illustration by Krzysztof Owedyk.
Translated to English by Señor Editor.
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Tagged: Slime Fiction.

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