Heroically Wasted: Comics Characters to Have a Night Out With

- by Ninja Ross, 20 May 2016

We all know which comic book characters we want on our side during the apocalypse. It's something all nerds have thought about. We've thought about which super hero would be best in any kind of situation. But what about which characters would be best to get wasted with? With that in mind, I have compiled a list of the finest junkies and alcoholics in comic books!

​Harry Osborn is Spider-Man's favourite drug addict. He spent his teen years experimenting, before things went a bit too far and he found himself addicted to all kinds of things, eventually overdosing on LSD.
 
In an effort to stop yet another Green Goblin rampage, Spider-Man showed Goblin his own son, dying from drug use. Needless to say, this stopped Norman in his tracks and Harry later cleaned himself up and is now living a life of sobriety. He's a good guy, getting by like we all do.
 
The Night Out
 
He's SOBER. And he's RICH. Imagine spending a night with a rich former addict. All that money and it's spent on water and shrimp, or whatever rich people eat. You'd spend the night talking about... Stuff. What else would you do? You couldn't go to a bar or a night club. A museum, I guess? Are museums open at night? I saw Night at the Museum, but I don't know...
​

Like Harry, Speedy/Arsenal/Red Arrow is a recovering addict. But he's had his fair share of relapses, seemingly relapsing every time he changes his outfit.
 
Speedy is such a fan of heroin, that he once considered changing his name to Heroiny, just to make his drug dealers take him seriously. This guy REALLY likes heroin. It's caused all kinds of issues for him, including performances issues.
 
The Night Out
 
This would clearly be a night out. Just moping and injecting. And then it gets awkward when he tells you about his bits not working. My God, the night would go on forever in the wors way possible. The awkwardness would kill you before the drugs do.

Bane's drug of choice is Venom, which gives him huge muscles, lots of strength and makes him a little bit crazy. It's potentially addictive and incredibly harmful overall.
 
Bane is famous for giving the Batman a hard time, getting on his back all the time. He destroys faces, throws people around and plots the downfall of the Dark Knight! Heck, even Batman has given this drug a try, but that turned out terribly for everyone involved
 
The Night Out
 
If you think a sober night with Harry Osborn would be bad, imagine being on a drug like Venom. It's seriously over the top steroids and you don't REALLY take steroids to get high. You'd hang out with Bane and just get really angry at everything. And Bane would probably just rant about world domination or something... He doesn't seem at all like a good conversationalist.

​
Unlike Bane, Cal focuses more on recreational drugs. He's been known to do pretty much anything he can get his hands on, from weed to heroin. While his drug taking and drinking have slown down a bit over the years, he's still incredibly fond of pill popping, drinking, smoking and snorting.
 
Cal hunts real live monsters for a living, filling werewolves and zombies with shotgun rounds and having to deal with some of the nastiest crimes you can imagine. It's no wonder he spends nearly all of his time messed up.
 
The Night Out
 
At least a night out with Cal would have substances that'd make you see weird things. But Cal doesn't get high to have a good time, he gets high so he can't think. A night out would turn into three nights of blackness. You wouldn't remember a thing and you'd no doubt regret everything you take at his place. It'd be miserable.
​

Wolverine isn't really known for his abuse of drugs, but he's known as a big drinker. He's regularly found at bars downing beers and whiskey and picking fights with the locals.
 
Wolverine's healing factor means he never suffers from hangovers and he can drink as much as he wants, with the alcohol wearing off quicker than I'm sure he'd like. He can spend the night drinking moonshine and then smack Apocalypse around first thing in the morning.
 
The Night Out
 
He seems like the best one to hang out with so far, right? Except this is a guy who has to drink the whole bar before he's out of it. It'd be terrible if you were paying. Even worse if you try to keep up with him. Besides that, he tends to just sit there drinking on his own... And then he fights people. It would be a disappointing night out. Plus, drinking makes you forgetful. Imagine how many people have been killed at parties because Wolverine forgot that other people die easier than he does.
 
The conclusion to draw from this is that comic book characters are not people you want to spend a Friday night with. Drugs and alcohol seem to make them LESS fun. Impossible. If you're looking for a fun night, you'd be better off making actual friends or hiring someone.​


Who would YOU add to the list? And don't say Iron Man, there's a reason we didn't put him on the list. Let us know who you'd pick in the comments section below!

Tagged: comics.

blog comments powered by Disqus

---

Follow @TrashMutant