House of Mouse: Exposed

- by Ninja Ross, 15 September 2018

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for Trash Mutant and I can only apologise for that. But I haven’t just been sitting around scratching my bum. No, I’ve been deep undercover at the House of Mouse, trying to find all of the dirty, dark secrets they don’t want you to know.

I spent several weeks at Walt Disney Studios, posing as a secretary in order to obtain information for this new exposé.
 
It all started with Disney cutting ties with James Gunn over tweets he made a decade ago. According to Gunn, it was his attempt at shock humour and he has since moved on from that brand of comedy. However, Disney were not pleased with this explanation and decided to terminate all dealings with him.
This seems a little extreme and my journalistic instincts would not let me just leave it at that.

It took two days of bringing coffee to executives before I even heard his name mentioned. It was as if they had forgotten all about him. But as I brought Kevin Feige his usual latte with a shot of caramel and bourbon, I heard him discussing the case with a colleague. “It took so long to get rid of him. We’ve been trying to fire him for ages.” As I drew closer, Feige became quiet and wouldn’t look me in the eye.
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​A few hours and “coffees” later, he became more talkative.

It transpires that Disney had been fooled by the extra N in his surname. His last name, when said out loud, sounds exactly like “gun” and this disturbed Disney executives.
 
Not wanting to admit their error, they were forced to wait until James slipped up. They didn’t expect it to be a slip up from before they had even hired him in the first place.
 
While this seemed like a good enough reason to justify my time spent there, it wasn’t long before Feige and other higher ups began to confess their secrets to me.

I’m not sure if it was the luscious wig I was wearing, the fake breasts or just my kind face that made them want to tell me everything.
 
At one of the many over the top parties hosted by the staff of Disney, I began speaking to someone who, for his own safety, must remain nameless. “We’ve been doing pretty well with the live action remakes like Jungle Book and Beauty and the Beast. But we’ve been struggling with a remake of Hercules.”
 
While they had locked in a director, they were having trouble stifling Kevin Sorbo’s constant attempts to stop production unless he can play the lead. Last I saw, he was singing “I Can Go the Distance” while chained to a tree outside the studio. While exploring the Disney Studios during one of my breaks, I discovered a door that actually doesn’t appear on the blueprints of the premises.

I carefully entered and found myself in a dirty, run down laboratory. It looked like it had been abandoned in a hurry, with cages, lab equipment and rusty needles strewn about the place.
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On a nearby desk I found a note book written by Dr. Ed Catmull, the co-founder of Pixar Animation Studios and President of Pixar and Walt Disney Animation Studios. It detailed his attempts to create a real life Mickey Mouse, in the hopes they could save money by not having to pay people to wear costumes.
 
I didn’t understand the science behind it, splicing mouse and human DNA, but I could see each entry show how insane Catmull became in time. For example, on the last page, all that was written was “They’re free”.

But, as you’d expect from a company like this, that was only scratching the surface. As the days passed, I was eventually introduced to the people running the show behind the scenes.
Disney is now run by mouse enthusiasts.
 
Thanks to multiple shady deals, people obsessed with mice took over Disney way back in 2002 and have been slowly stocking several warehouses in all Disney parks with cheese, awaiting what they call “the grand mouse infestation”.
 
The character of Mickey Mouse has taken a bit of a backseat in recent years, but he’s always present, thanks to their branding. The people running the show are awaiting his return, believing it to be the first sign of the apocalypse. They’re hoping to gather enough cheese to satisfy “The Great Mouse” so he’ll spare their lives. This brings one huge event into a new light. What are mice afraid of? That’s right: the Fox.
 
The Disney/Fox deal is being made in an effort to destroy “The Fox Lord”, whom they believe to be the only thing to stopping Mickey’s return. But what could possibly oppose such a force? The obvious answer is “technology from a culture in a galaxy far far away.”
 
Of course, I had also thought of lightsabers. Lightsabers can kill more or less anything. But Disney owns that, too. They’ve bought the rights to the only form of technology that can stop them. And any further hope like a death star or strangling powers? All gone. This is a company that has been around since the 1920’s. They’ve had plenty of time to think about their own vulnerabilities.
 
So while I would love to be writing just to tell you some random office gossip, I’m actually trying to warn you that the end may indeed be on its way. While I doubt there is any “grand infestation”, they do believe it and I’m certain they’ll do anything to make it happen. And since they have Star Wars technology, there’s no way we stand a chance.
 
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Tape up any holes in your walls. Put a draught excluder on your doors. And make sure you always check your cheese. Stay safe, readers.

Tagged: movies & TV.

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