How Wolverine Will Die (Probably...)

- by Ninja Ross, 30 April 2014

So, you’ve probably heard that Marvel is releasing “The Death of Wolverine,” a four issue miniseries by Charles Soule and Steve McNiven. Pretty crazy, right?!? Killing Wolverine!!! But how's it going to happen? We know he lost his healing factor a little while ago. We know he has been training so he can beat the snot out of Sabertooth. We know a lot of things, but we don't know how he's gonna bite it!

So, I'm going to put forward some theories. I've spent a lot of time thinking these through, taking into account Wolverine's history, the bad guys he's faced and everything else that could be important.

Without further delay, here's the first mind bending theory...

1. FALLS ON A SWORD

Wolverine's always playing with swords. He's all samurai, and stuff! There's no denying he's pretty good at and it'd be difficult to kill him in the first place, especially with a sword. But what if he falls on a sword he thought he had put away?

Wolverine's a hard drinker and, with no healing factor, that's REALLY going to mess with his motor skills. And Wolverine doesn't have the most organised room, I'm betting. He probably leaves swords all over the place.

After a night of drinking, the beer hits him harder than expected; he stumbles home at 4:00am and trips on yellow trousers. But oh no, he left his sword out after polishing it earlier in the day (Insert sword polishing joke)! For some reason it's sticking up (Insert another sword joke here) and it goes right through him, like a bad Mexican dish!

HOW HE COMES BACK:

He's reborn as a swordfish, before Doctor Strange puts his spirit into a body made of wolverine furs.


2. FASTBALL SPECIAL

Pretty simple, really. Splat!

HOW HE COMES BACK:

The Hand decide to take a well deserved break from killing folk and go for a special pancake breakfast while on a company retreat. They accidentally revive Wolverine, when his flattened body turns up on their table.


3. PATCH

Wolverine is going to be pretty worried about old enemies trying to kill him in all kinds of nasty ways. Can you image what Omega Red would do with those tentacles? Oh no.

So, it only makes sense that he'd pull the old Patch routine. The one where nobody recognises him because of the eye patch. You know the one. He probably wouldn't head to Madripoor, though; that's not the nicest of places.

So, he heads somewhere nice and quiet but with a nice bar nearby. Somewhere with a small community, perhaps. Somewhere... With a road!!! With no depth perception, he’s an easy target for cars!

HOW HE COMES BACK:

Clones! All kinds of clones! And so begins Wolverine’s very own clone saga, with all kinds of new costumes! Plus, a new range of toys.


4. ADAMANTIUM POISONING

Come on, I haven’t heard this mentioned much! Remember how everybody kept telling him he’d die if he ever lost his healing factor? Actually, this or some kind of disease is completely possible. Executive editor Michael Marts says “Now he finally comes up against an adversary that he cannot win against, he cannot fight.” Kind of sounds like it might be a disease or Adamantium poisoning.

Problem is, when I think of Wolverine going out like this, all I can think of is this:

HOW HE COMES BACK:

Turns out it was a Life Model Decoy all along. Wolverine’s fine and he turns up just in time for a new movie.

Well, there ya go! Sorry, Mr Soule, but I’m on to you. Perhaps a couple of the details are wrong, but I think everything else is pretty spot on.


Well, thank you for this well-researched article, Ninja Ross! Do you have any other ideas, dear Trash Mutant readers? Let us know in the comments section below!

Tagged: comics.

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