I'm So Worried About the Weird Noise in Canada
- by Ninja Ross, 24 November 2016
The wildlife in the Fury and Hecla Strait, a remote area in Canada, has been very quiet lately. Hunters have been a little bit confused and the locals seem even more concerned. According the BBC, “The strange noise is reported by local people to have frightened animals away over the past few months.” This is being attributed to a “Ping” sound originating from the sea floor. The Canadian military have been investigating, but have so far found now obvious cause for this sound.
The first thing to worry about is that Canada has a military. I had no idea Canada had any kind of army. Why the heck would they even need one? Who are they fighting with? It can't possibly be for defense, so the only logical reason is that they're planning something truly despicable. Normally, I'd say that doesn't sound like Canada at all, but thanks to Justin Bieber and Nickleback, it's getting easier to accept that Canada isn't that nice of a place.
But, obviously, the bigger concern is the noise itself. Now, there are a few possibilities as to what the sound could possibly be: Mining companies conducting a survey of the area, submarines doing whatever submarines do and Greenpeace fucking around with the wildlife.
Yeah, they're all great possibilities! Why wouldn't a mining company be making some noise around there? Plenty to take a look at, plenty of room for profit, right? Except no mining company in the area is even working there. They insist it's nothing to do with them.
So, submarines! Has to be! You can't trust submarines, they're always hiding something beneath the surface. Except there are no submarines – foreign or domestic – operating in the area.
Only one thing for it, then! Greenpeace are using something to clear the wildlife! This area is known for rich wildlife and busy hunting seasons, so it makes sense that they'd want to try and help save the animals in the area.
Except Greenpeace are denying they have anything to do with it. And, as much as I love Greenpeace, that is very unlike them. So that leaves us with no answers as to what the heck is making a pinging noise in a remote, freezing clod Arctic hunting ground.
Now can you see why I'm so worried? Goodness, I'm so very worried. I keep thinking of all the possibilities! It could be anything!
Obviously, the most logical cause of this mysterious pinging sound is none other than the legendary Cthulhu. The first scary thought is that this is his alarm clock going off and we're now in for an eternity of madness and violence with the humanity tearing itself apart and being haunted by unimaginable creatures from another dimension.
Nobody expected Cthulhu to rise in Canada, but why would Cthulhu do anything that we would expect? You expect him to rise literally anywhere except a remote area of Canada that nobody else has even heard of. It'd make more sense if he rose in the Norwegian Sea, because at least that's where Vikings used to chill out and we know how nuts Vikings were. But Canada? Nah. That's unexpected.
So is Cthulhu waking up right now? Quite possibly. But there's another possibility on offer in regards to the dreaded Cthulhu.
What if it's his microwave?
Think about it: If you're thousands of years old and you're only now waking up to start an eternity of darkness and evil, it's going to take you a while to feel up to it. Cthulhu might have been awake for years! Most people take about twenty minutes to wake up, check their phone, pee and grumble about having to go to work that morning. Do you really think Cthulhu is that different?
It's freezing in Canada, especially where this noise is originating from. Cthulhu isn't going to be happy with simple cereal on a morning that cold, he's going to want porridge at least. Porridge and a nice hot drink. So he's put his breakfast (I'd imagine it's a chocolate kind of porridge, unless he's going to put fruit in it) in the microwave and it's just gone off.
Does this mean it's just a matter of time before Cthulhu gets dressed and ready to go about his murderous business? Honestly, the only thing we can hope for now is that it was his alarm and he's about to hit snooze. Unless he's just trying to get a new sound system working.
But Cthulhu aside, it's rather interesting that this is happening in a place like this. Does it strike you as familiar? Strange happenings in a frozen remote area? I'm keeping an eye on the news to see if any dogs are reported missing or acting strange, because that's how The Thing started.
And if it is The Thing, we're all dead. The movie ended with the monster being burned to death, or frozen again, depending on whether you subscribe to the theory that one of the two survivors is actually the Thing.
But this is real life and things don't end so cleanly. It's only a matter of time before everyone on earth is taken over and replaced by a monster from another world. The people you love could change at any moment and try to kill you in horrible ways. Trump shouldn't be focusing on walls around Mexico right now, he should be making everyone who comes over the Canadian border submit a blood sample that can be tested over an open flame.
Hopefully it's something completely harmless! What if it's a mermaid's fire alarm going off? Or a seal stealing alcohol from an underwater supermarket? It probably isn't Cthulu or the Thing, but it's something I think that, as a species, we should start preparing for. The Canadian military just isn't enough. Not that they're no good, but Cthulu is probably a bit much for any military. And the Thing is more or less unstoppable if it reaches a populated area. Let's just keep out fingers crossed that it's as simple as a walrus doctor's pager going off in a megaphone by accident.
Science is the scariest thing in the world ever and this is exactly why. Let's stop finding things like this so we can worry less. People didn't have these issues in the dark ages.
How worried are you now?!? Are the weird Canadian noises bothering you? Tell us your fears in the comments!