In Defence of Keanu Reeves
So, here’s the thing... I like Keanu Reeves a lot. I think he’s a great- Well, not a great actor, but I like the way he acts. I like what he brings to the roles. Some complain about his wooden acting. I like wood! Wait...
So here I am, about to give you simply a handful of reasons as to why he’s cool. Why he’s a hip happening cat, daddio. And at least 50% of it is true. REASON NUMBER ONE: Will Smith was nearly Neo. I know, Smith is a great actor. Yes, he’s a lot better than Reeves. But can you imagine him saying “I know Kung Fu”? Try and picture that. Will Smith, The Fresh Prince, wakes up with a hole in the back of his head and he says “I know Kung Fu.” You pictured that? No? I can’t either. The ridiculous plot and melodramatic acting in the Matrix series is what makes it such a spectacular film. While Will Smith is giving a dramatic performance, you’re taken out by the obvious plot and logic holes. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!? Besides, Smith passed this up to do "Wild Wild West". We needed that film. Society needed it. To remind us that Will Smith can overcome anything. REASON NUMBER TWO: Keanu Reeves is made of rotoscoping. For those of you who don’t know, rotoscoping is basically animating live action footage. This was done effectively in the "Lord of the Rings" cartoon movie a few years ago. [About 30. - Ed.] In "A Scanner Darkly", Keanu Reeves played an undercover cop trying to get to the source of a new drug. To do so he had to wear a camouflage suit at the office so nobody there recognised him, due to the amount of spying and such that goes on in this near future. Just go with it. This was a pretty good movie. Downey Jr and Harrelson gave great performances as drug addicts (pretty sure Downey Jr had just wondered on set by accident and just carried on his daily routine). Despite the questionable plot, the story is pretty good and based on a book by Philip K. Dick (who was a crazy genius). But here’s the thing: Why use rotoscoping? It served no purpose. This suggests that somebody on set is made of rotoscoping. Now, which cast member is notorious for keeping his life private, for refusing to answer ANY personal questions? Keanu Reeves. It’s pretty obvious that his medication for his condition had run out and due to some sort of strike, he could not get any for a while. I’m on to you, Keanu. REASON NUMBER THREE: Keanu Reeves keeps his life out of the media. As I mentioned, Keanu keeps out of the spotlight. While I believe this is due to his condition, there is a possibility that he’s just a private guy. Some celebrities try to avoid attention by making sex tapes but, despite their efforts, these tapes get lost and end up on the internet. They also try to avoid it by going out, getting drunk and fighting and/or having sex. The “Leave me alooooonnnneeee!!!” battle cry rarely works after. Keanu, however, manages to avoid these issues by keeping to himself. He goes out but he then... Refuses to deal with the paparazzi. Somehow. While he was unsuccessfully sued for hitting a photographer with a car, he does this quite successfully. And he managed to perfect the art of not answering questions. REASON NUMBER FOUR: Keanu Reeves may or may not be Galactus. I present the following evidence: That look in his eyes is the same look Galactus would have when eating a cake. It says “THIS IS A CAKE! I WANT EARTH!” Keanu reeves has been on Earth for quite a while and we’re still here. Is that a coincidence? No, Keanu The World Eater has let us live. He is eating cakes instead of use. Fantastic Four? Where are they? We’re protected by his own self-control. After discovering that Keanu Reeves is a rotoscoped Galactus, I will be hiding from the world in a bunker. My next article will be titled “How to survive on dog meat (not the "Fallout" dog)” Stay safe... Are you worried about Keanu Reeves’ appetite? Do you think he gets unfair treatment for his wooden acting? Do tell us in the comments! |
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