MUSIC: "Suicidal Failure" - A Rare Nicolas Cage Rap Single 

- by The International Witchhammer, 21 November 2015

Have you ever heard about Nicolas Cage’s rap career? Me neither, but apparently he does rap, but wants to stay deep in the underground. And he probably would succeed, if not for the polish auction website where I found this hidden National Treasure called "Suicidal Failure" SP. Now how cool is that title? Ok, maybe it’s not cool at all, but I assume Nico decided to spit some grimy verses about the dark side of fame. 

Since the phrase „don’t judge the book by its cover” doesn’t really apply to records, I believe I’m allowed to actually JUDGE this single by its cover. And yes, it’s great. On it, we can see Nicolas Cage in a badass pose, standing in front of an oncoming truck on a freeway. Maybe he doesn’t look exactly the same as in reality, but it’s totally OK if he wants to stay incognito in the underground. 
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A trained eye will notice the truck driver is none other than Alex – the main character of A Clockwork Orange. Things might get clearer if you know that Nicolas Cage sometimes refers to himself as Alex and his other classic song Agent Orange contains a sample from the A Clockwork Orange theme. Could the cover get any better? Well… Yes, if instead of a standard truck it would be Optimus Prime.

Let’s take a look at the tracklist of this record.

SIDE A: Suicidal Failure (Clean); Suicidal Failure (Dirty), Suicidal Failure (Inst).
SIDE B: The Weather Report ft. Copywrite (Clean); The Weather Report (Inst); Dust vs. Ecstacy (Dirty); Dust vs. Ecstacy (Inst).

So it looks like we have two different versions of attempting to commit suicide – the first one is CLEAN, so it will probably be about eating sleeping pills. The second is DIRTY, so maybe it will be about splattering redness all over the place.

Then we’ve got side B with The Weather Report (CLEAN). Fucking spoilers. I mean, if the song is called The Weather Report, you’re getting interested in what the weather would be like and then BLAM, SPOILER – (Clean). Now you don’t even have to listen to this track. Additionally, I’m Polish, but I’m pretty sure you guys write “clear sky” not “clean”. Where was the editor?

The second track is called Dust vs. Ecstacy - doesn’t leave much to the imagination, does it? The song must be about the great pleasure you get from vacuuming your room. SPOILER – the room is (Dirty). Yeah, just like mine. What’s wrong with rappers? It looks like they’re obsessed with cleaning - almost every rap single pressed on vinyl has songs with (dirty) or (clean) in the title. I believe they’re these clean-the-earth-psychos that believe Earth Day should be like 365 times a year, and they keep writing these dumb songs about cleaning. Even Necro did a song called Get Down On Your Knees (Clean). And that’s not the most polite way to ask someone to do the cleaning.

Since Nicolas Cage looks pretty badass on the cover, I’ve decided to pay homage to one of the greatest badasses ever – B.A. Baracus. That’s why I started listening from side B, and then moved to side A. Spoiled The Weather Report, here I come…

Let’s get this clear (not clean) – I probably misunderstood the (CLEAN) part, because the song has nothing about clear weather. Still, I enjoy the beat, and the rappers (Nicolas Cage and Copywrite – hope it’s not an undercover Travolta) lay down some awesome lyrics. Then we’ve got Dust vs. Ecstacy… Hey guys, did you know that apparently “dust” is a slang name for some narcotics and “ecstacy” is not just the great pleasure, but also a drug? I don’t know why Nicolas decided to write this song, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t (Clean) while doing it.

The really great thing about this record is the song Suicidal Failure. It’s some depressive storytelling with some clever bars, but I won’t quote them here – it’s time for you to listen. What’s certain is that you will remember the track for a long time. It’s very (Dirty)! Thank you, Nicolas Cage. Awesome vinyl.

Thank you, International Witchhammer! If you, dear Trash Mutant reader, would like to check out some more rap science by our author, make sure to read this analysis of the works of Jedi Mind Tricks. Also, make sure to leave us comments about Nic Cage's rap records below!
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: The International Witchhammer. The guy has read only 2 books in his life – Holy Bible and the 15th century manual for dealing with witches called “Malleus Maleficarum”. Any other stuff is heresy, so if he wants to read a comic book, he has to tear it apart and turn it into comic strips, which thankfully are not forbidden by his order.

Tagged: music.

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