Ol' Mutant Theatre: "Cobra" (1986)

- by Señor Editor, 30 August 2013

The '80s was the most badass era of action movies. Never before or after has cinema been more action-y. The two titans that undisputedly ruled this era, dodging bullets, throwing punches, killing people, impressing babes, killing people and inspiring millions, were Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. It's the second one of these indestructible gentlemen that we're going to focus on in this first installment of Ol' Mutant Theatre. Specifically, we're gonna talk about the movie "Cobra".

There's a fine line between being really badass and being ridiculous, and Cobra was never informed about this line. This movie is a masterpiece of ‘80s badassery. If you added just one or two more jokes it would have to be classified as a comedy, and I mean that in a good way.

"Cobra" poster (click to enlarge)

Directed by George P. Cosmatos, Cobra came out in 1986, but I probably first saw it around 1990, at the tender age of five. I absolutely loved it back then. Me and my brother must have rented it on VHS at least 5 times and knew all the (absolutely corny, but we were oblivious to that back then) tough guy catchphrases Cobra would say. 

When this movie came out it was a critical failure, getting terrible reviews and being nominated for several Razzie "awards". Stallone was already a huge star though, with four Rocky movies and two Rambos behind his belt, and the movie was a huge financial success.

It's been at least 20 years since the last time I saw this movie, and before rewatching it for this article I wondered how it aged. Let's see!

After a sleepy Stallone providing us with some crime statistics in the intro, the movie doesn't waste any time. It all starts with a psycho with a shotgun marching into a grocery store in Los Angeles, gunning down a guy, destroying plenty of shelves and starting a hostage situation. After negotiations fail, the police boss gives the order to call in Cobra. Our hero arrives in style, in a beautiful 1950 Mercury Monterey, with the license plates "AWSOM 50". That's when it is first confirmed that Cobra is one bad dude.

Cobra arrives to start killing people (that's Gonzales on the right)

When Cobra confronts the dirtbag shooting up the store, the man starts talking about a "New World" and "hunters" and all kinds of crazy talk. This is our clue that he may have a connection to the main antagonist of the movie. The guy continues with "C'mon, man! I got a bomb here! I'll kill her! I'll blow this whole place up!", to which Cobra replies "Gah’ahhaghd. Aghdohapp eerrr." Actually, he says "Go ahead. I don't shop here", but Stallone speaks in an EXTRA gruff manner in some scenes this movie, so it takes a while to adjust to it before it all becomes clear. After that, Cobra both stabs and shoots the man.

Let's pause the recap for a moment for some info on Cobra, just so we know why it's him the police calls when there's a hostage situation that needs solving with knives and guns. See, Cobra is part of the ‘Zombie Squad’ –  a unit of cops that do the dirty work nobody else wants, get yelled at by the chief and criticized for their bad attitude. We don’t see any Zombie Squad cops in the movie other than Cobra and his buddy called Gonzales (Rani Santoni). Still, it’s only Sly that does the action, his buddy is more of a comic relief character, eating gummi bears and cracking wise. 

"AIEEE! I've been both stabbed and shot!"

Our hero is called "Cobra" because he bears the absolutely unlikely last name of "Cobretti", which is as ridiculous as having Bruce Willis' character in Die Hard called "John Diehardski". His first name, "comically" enough, is later revealed to be Marion - the name that inevitably makes men become utter badasses to avoid being made fun of. You wanna know some other Marions? John Wayne and Suge Knight.

As Cobra leaves the supermarket, a reporter asks if it was another attack by the notorious Night Slasher, a man that's been randomly slashing people all over LA. We soon find out that it's actually Night Slashers, plural. An army of them, as Cobra puts it. That's ideal, because this way Sly gets to dispose of a much larger number of men and women.

When the Night Slashers are not killing anybody they stand around in a dark, empty warehouse doing this synchronized little axe routine, where everybody has two axes and does this clang-y sound with them, striking one against the other above their heads. They do this at least three times during the movie, so I guess it's just their thing, a Night Slasher aerobics session, if you will, to relax before the next night of slashing, and get in the proper mindset.

Even balding guys in suits can join the Night Slashers and do their axe workout routine.

Soon after , we get treated to scenes showing the various crimes of the Night Slashers, and boy, they get busy slashing and stabbing and chopping innocent men and women. After one night’s action, while they’re packing their slashing equipment to their van and getting ready to leave, their creepy boss (played by Brian Thompson), who likes to stab people with a really nice, intricate knife, just stands on the street looking at a passing car. The lady inside is sexy model Ingrid Knudsen, played by Brigitte Nielsen, Stallone's wife at the time of the shooting.

The Night Slashers’ boss (whose name I’m almost sure is Horatio “Stabby” Stabbinsky) is apparently really into the idea of killing Ingrid, as he makes an attempt on her life just as she leaves a bizarre photo session. Two people get the axe, but Ingrid luckily escapes and Sly finally gets assigned to solve the case of the Night Slashers. They good guys have the advantage of knowing how the bad guys’ boss looks like, but it won’t be easy – the Slashers have somebody inside the police force, informing them of Cobra’s moves.

The main Night Slasher (with his cool knife) and Ingrid (with robots)

Well, that’s all I’m gonna say about the plot, since there’s mostly all there is. There is later a predictable romantic subplot between Cobra and Ingrid, and a whole army of Slashers being killed in spectacular ways (using cars, knives, guns and fire – in fact, there are numerous instances where somebody gets both stabbed/shot and burned). 

Don't expect fantastic acting out of this movie. In some scenes it's really laughable, especially the ones showing us the more human side of Cobra, and when he interacts with Nielsen (the worst actor in this movie). That said, would you really expect fantastic acting here? The script is so over the top that I doubt even the finest actors would squeeze much out of it. For some reason the way it's acted (especially by Stallone, who is completely one-dimensional as the main character) actually seems really appropriate.

Sly as Cobra is pretty great and the action in this movie is top notch. The antagonists are also fun, in the sense that they’re clearly dangerous fellows and it’s enjoyable to see them all getting killed as the movie goes. Both our protagonist and his arch nemesis have speech impediments - we know Stallone's, but his enemy speaks in a very loud, ridiculously overdramatic voice, that will shock you the first time you hear it. Your mileage may vary, but to me this was definitely to the movie’s advantage. Don’t ask me why – you will see what I mean when you hear both these guys in one movie, shouting catch phrases at one another. It's deliciously bizarre.

The music in the movie is your typical ‘80s crime/action movie soundtrack, with songs about the hard life in the city etc., but it fits well here. Like the soundtrack, the whole movie is clearly a product of the decade it was made in, so it all works together very well and the songs aren’t bad.

BONUS: Cobra chats with a neighbor. (click to enlarge)

With today's action movies being often so self-conscious, constantly winking and nodding at the audience and making sure everybody knows they're not treating themselves seriously (Machete, Expendables etc.) it's interesting to watch a movie such as Cobra. This movie makes no pretense of being anything more than an action flick, but it's all played straight and honest. It's a product of the times it was made in, it's often ridiculous, but at the same time it's highly entertaining and exciting. It's the type of dumb, fun movie that modern action blockbusters like to reference, but without the obnoxious self-parodying and tongue-in-cheekness. In that sense, it's actually kind of refreshing.

All in all, “Cobra” definitely gets a recommendation. Don't expect tasteful cinema and subtle acting here. Expect to have some laughs and see things that are so badass that you will have to pause the movie and go shave your beard off at least three times during these 80 minutes. It may have been a critical failure, but it’s like Cosmatos and Stallone wanted to do the most insanely tough, action-packed movie they could and good lord, they managed it. It’s the Sistine Chapel of badass cop movies of the 1980s. It doesn’t care if you treat it seriously, it treats itself seriously enough, is perfect for what it is and it will stab, shoot and burn it’s way into your heart.


Did you enjoy the first installment of Ol' Mutant Theatre? Have you seen "Cobra"? What are your thoughts? Sound off in the comments!

Tagged: Ol' Mutant Theatre, movies & TV.

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