SSN: Humans Driving One Million Species to ExtinctionThis is SSN: Here on SSN, we normally report on the negative sides of science news. But today, I'm happy to report that a congratulations is in order to every human being on earth. We've finally reached one million animal and plant species threatened with extinction!
That is an incredible number, at no time in human history have we threatened that many living things. For all the talk about how we ruin everything, it's good to see that humanity can achieve so much when we work together. According to a report published recently by IPBES, “The average abundance of native species in most major land-based habitats has fallen by at least 20%, mostly since 1900. More than 40% of amphibian species, almost 33% of reef forming corals and more than a third of all marine mammals are threatened.” About 680 vertebrate species have gone extinct thanks to us since the 16th century, so it's refreshing to see how far we've come since then, how much techmology has advanced. Seems like a bad thing, considering people's reactions when animals are killed in movies, or Facebook videos, but it's an incredible achievement nonetheless. And people aren't even talking about it! For shame! The main causes of this are greenhouse gases and agriculture. Basically, we're doing this by just doing what we do. It's not like we're doing it on purpose, for the most part. So imagine what we could achieve if we actually tried? If we really up our game, we could look at making spiders and flies a thing of the past. No more stubbed toes trying to kill spiders, no more having to breathe fly poison when you lose track of them and end up spraying everywhere you plan on being within the next few seconds. In the UK, the Environment Secretary Michael Gove has said that he won't be banning the imports of hunting trophies, as he's been warned by wildlife charities to “be cautious”. All you need in order to bring trophies into the UK is a special permit. And also the trophies, obviously. But this could be turned around; actively encouraging people to head out abroad and shoot some unwanted lions and elephants would help speed up the extinction of some of the rarer pests and maybe get a head start on the monsters that are thriving, like seagulls, pigeons and puppies. We could build a society based on animal trophies. Buildings made from whale bones, insects used as protection for valuable packages instead of bubble wrap (still just as fun to pop). Capes made from lion manes, condoms made from exotic frog skins, printing paper made from rare plants. Elephant ear canvases for tacky paintings of countrysides you wouldn't pay for, but look nice in small cafes. The possibilities are endless here and it'll easily bring us from one million species in danger, to ten million. With this news, we can see that we're ever closer to true world domination. No more pesky nature getting in the way. We will be the only species on the planet. We will be Gods. And then all we need to do is perfect space travel so we can wipe out some alien rhinos. So let's give ourselves a massive round of applause for what we've done! It's a hell of an achievement! Screw tigers, they can keep their dead gazelle lunch. We dominate species all over the world. And soon the universe! |
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