Star Wars Characters That Probably Won't Be Coming Back

- by Señor Editor, 6 February 2013

...in the new trilogy, that is! Are you excited for these movies? I kind of am, even though the only part of Star Wars I REALLY like was the original trilogy. Even though they were nowhere near as good (and that's putting it lightly), I didn't really hate the prequels, and I don't think episodes VII-IX can be much worse than those movies. There's been a lot of speculation on what characters will be featured in the new movies, and since we know very little about that for now, I decided to do the opposite and speculate on who WON'T be making a comeback, and help limit the options a little bit, et cetera.

Now before we start, let's give a little background to this feature. The only characters that I think we can be certain will be in the sequels are R2-D2 and C-3PO, because they're supposedly the ones telling the whole Star Wars saga and they haven't been destroyed in "Return of the Jedi".

We won't be focusing on main characters here. We have no idea who will be around in this new trilogy. That said, plenty of lesser characters from the original movies made appearences in the prequels. I'm not even talking about people like Boba Fett (who lost all his cool points thanks to the prequels - hadtoputitinthisarticlerealfastsorry!), I'm talking stuff like Greedo being Little Anakin's childhood pal, like Bib Fortuna standing around somewhere. Stuff like that. Mostly third and fourth-stringers.

Oh, and to add a little extra value to the entries I gathered, each character will feature a short "Mostly Useless Backstory" note, with additional info taken from Wookiepedia, the Star Wars wikia. Enjoy!

5. DROOPY McCOOL

You got to have a lot of moxie to put "McCool" in your name when you look like an ass playing an oboe. McCool here appeared in Return of the Jedi, as one of the less memorable members of the Max Rebo Band, playing at Jabba's palace. Without a doubt much less talented than the cantina band from A New Hope, Max Rebo's band was mostly known for their weird looks, but this probably won't be enough to put any of them in a "Heylookatthat! That was Droopy McCool back there for a split second!" kind of scene in the upcoming movies. I mean, would you like to see Droopy McCool appear in two Star Wars trilogies? Would you buy a Droopy McCool PEZ dispenser?

Mostly Useless Backstory: "Droopy McCool" is only his stage name, which (while predictable) makes me kind of sad that he isn't actually a part of a whole asscreature family named McCool. His real name is actually "Snit", and he's a Kitonak from Kirdo III. He did survive Jabba's barge blowing up and went on to search for more of his people in the Tatooine desert.

4. DENGAR

DANGER!...DAANGER! GET ON THE FLOOR! Whenever I think of this guy, this song pops in my head for some reason (and makes him infinitely more badass, you should try it! I'm serious.). Yeah, I know his name is DENGAR, but we all know how George Lucas comes up with those names. Rearrange some syllables in a word, check out foreign versions of words and common names, mix all these together if you're feeling fancy etc. Anyway, Dengar is probably the most high profile out of all the entries here, as he's one of the bounty hunters from Empire Strikes Back, and the only human one other than Boba Fett. His scene was standing and actively listening to Darth Vader, and sadly that's about all he did in the movies. He doesn't seem half as popular as the other hunters, so I don't expect to see him in the sequels. Why didn't Dengar ever reach the heights of popularity Boba Fett achieved? Is it because of his not-terribly-menacing headwrap thingie? The re-colored Stormtrooper armor? Who knows.

Mostly Useless Backstory: Damn, he has a lot of it. Like many other characters in the SW universe, Dengar had a grudge against Han Solo, who apparently had something to do with Dengar's injuries (what was injured, really?). You see, Dengar is half-cyborg and he's void of all emotions, except the really bad ones. He eventually retired to focus on his favorite hobby: racing. Also, in a desperate attempt to boost the badass factor, he also goes by another name: "Payback". An obvious mistake, since what he really requires is a theme song by Mystikal. 


3. WIOSLEA

If you're thinking "Jesus Christ, what the #%*@ is that?!", then I can't say I blame you. One of the many fantastic things about Star Wars are all awesome designs, whether they're architecture, ships, armor or creatures. Wioslea isn't one of those well designed creatures, no matter how you look at it. Wioslea looks like one of the extras on set had to put a rotten pumpkin on his head, with a few googly eyes attached and hope for the best. You may remember Wioslea from the scene where Ben and Luke sell Luke's landspeeder before leaving Tatooine in A New Hope. Or you may not. Other than the disgusting, asymmetric pumpkin head with tentacles, another notable thing about Wioslea is that she apparently had the same tailor as Obi-Wan Kenobi. As fun as it could have been seeing her rolling around in Luke's old whip, now totally pimped out, in the new trilogy, I think it's highly unlikely, as whatever constituted Wioslea's mask is probably long decomposed by now.

Mostly Useless Backstory: Wioslea was a gambler, who owed Jabba credits, very much like Han Solo. Since old Ben wasn't very concerned about her problems, he apparently used his Jedi mind tricks to make her pay for Luke's ride more than it was worth. Also, she "was once even accused of being a Jedi. She never spoke about her past, however." (meaning, nobody really bothered to come up with one for her).

2. THE EMPEROR'S POSH BUDDIES

Remember when you first saw Return of the Jedi and as soon as they appeared on the screen you thought "Forget Vader and the Emperor, who are these two sly, purple-draped cats?" These are the Imperial Dignitaries! Two of the most cherished Star Wars characters, especially among senior Star Wars fans! Why, they're the biggest hit in the cosplay community! Okay, that joke is bad and long enough already. Boy, the Emperor sure knew how to pick 'em! Do you think he chose these two as his cronies so he wouldn't feel so bad about his looks? I'm actually not sure if they're alive, cause they were on Death Star II, but at least some of those people had to make a run for it when the battle started, right? I mean that thing didn't even look half-finished and the last one was destroyed with a single shot. One whole side of it was mostly missing. Think about the drafts in that place. These old dudes could have gotten away (I didn't check for backstories before finishing the entries), but I doubt anybody is nostalgic for their big comeback.

Mostly Useless Backstory: They have names! From left: Janus Greejatus and Sim Aloo. Now you actually feel like you know these dudes! Turns out they did actually blew up with the second Death Star. My bad. They both had some minor Dark Side powers. Janus here was also something of a racist (we all know some old people like that!) and Sim was the head honcho of Palpatine's advisors and was known for patience and wisdom. He liked his hat a lot, because it represented the history of his homeworld, Coruscant.


1. DR. EVAZAN

"We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems." and yet Obi-Wan lets the dude live and cuts off his Walrus friend's arm. Ben isn't really a shining example of how a Jedi should behave, is he? Even if you didn't know Evazan here by name, you must remember him from the classic Mos Eisley cantina scene in Episode IV, where he and his buddy Ponda Baba/Walrus Man decided they really don't like Luke Skywalker. And then Ben does a number on Baba, leaving Evazan unaccounted for. He's one of the people that actually really bring the point Ben was making about all kinds of "scum and villainy" home. Just look at him. More disfigured then alien, there was no doubt that this dude was a shady character. Anyway, this disgusting fellow survived the Cantina incident, but it probably would be a stretch to include him in the sequels. We've seen dumber things happen in the Star Wars movies, though. As unlikely as it is to happen, would it be sorta cool to see Evazan here make a cameo? No?

Mostly Useless Back(Forth?)story: Where to start? Evazan's first name was Cornelius, and he was also known as "Doctor Death", "The Doctor" as well as "Roofoo" ...yes, Roofoo. He was a madman who considered himself a surgeon, even though he really wasn't that good. He's Star Wars' mad scientist, it seems. Him and his Walrus friend (playing Igor to his Frankenstein) were alive and kicking for a good long while after meeting Luke and Ben. He operated a lot on Ponda Baba, from giving him new hands to transplanting his brain into a body of a politician. He was also on a quest for immortality, and apparently succeeded. He also created a zombie army once. ... Actually, I change my mind and all the future Star Wars movies should be about Dr. Evazan.


That's it for this list! No need to thank me, J.J. Abrams! That article barely even scratches the surface of all the Star Wars characters less than likely to appear in Star Wars. Who knows, maybe we'll return to this topic at some point. What do you think of this list? Which characters do YOU think definitely won't be featured in the new trilogy? Who, other than Admiral Ackbar, NEEDS to be in the sequels? Leave us a comment!

Tagged: movies & TV.

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