Surviving Being DeadIt’s coming up to Winter again and, as with every winter, we expect to see a high number of deaths. The death rates all over the world always skyrocket as we head towards Christmas, so I thought I’d take the time to write a little advice article to help those who are expecting to die this year. Or even those who just want to be prepared in case the worst should happen.
The first course of action is to choose what kind of afterlife you want to go for. First off, we’re going to look at one of the more interesting afterlife roles… You don’t see poltergeists in the news as much these days. Given the amount of terrible people dying, you’d think they’d jump at the chance to be a dick in death. My only conclusion is that people are just doing it wrong. Take a look at films like The Conjuring or Poltergeist. They weren’t just hiding keys and socks, making themselves a nuisance. They were real dicks about everything. But they keep getting exorcised. What you really want is to freak people out without them calling a priest. When you do get around to haunting someone, try something a bit more subtle. Move the mouse every time your victim is trying to close his incognito window after hearing a noise on the stairs. When they’re making a sandwich, put things away every time they turn around. Slightly dislodge the batteries in a remote just before a loud bit comes on in a movie and they need to turn it down. But if you’re looking to get a bit more visible, try a bit of spirit photography. Just start jumping behind people’s selfies and look super scary. They’ll talk about that photo with their friends, family and anybody that’ll listen until the day they die and do the same to someone else. It’s a very sustainable hobby. Also worth trying, is appearing in people’s reflections. That always seriously freaks people out. Run down a corridor at them really fast, too. People always panic and scream when that happens. You might want to play dress up while you’re at it, too.Take a look at The Woman in Black, all she does is wear a ratty black dress and veil, run down some corridors and kill some kids. Yet, Harry Potter is terrified. Or what about The Nun? She’s a Nun! Also, bonus if your hauntee hates penguins. But what if you’re totally ripped and just don’t want to leave your body yet? Have you considered being a zombie of some variety? There’s plenty of options, but do require some prep work. 
The witchcraft option is one way. Get in good with some dark occult types, maybe! Of course, this means having to deal with a boss who probably won’t be compensating you for your time. Unless you get someone to bury you in some kind of domestic animal cemetery. I won’t tell you that you shouldn’t go for the classic zombie route, if that’s what you REALLY want to do, but I will say it doesn’t sound like the best idea. Me personally, I’d hate to be shambling around with no mental faculties. Goodbye crosswords! Goodbye Rubik's cubes! You wouldn’t even be able to operate the dodgems when the fair comes to town. And that’s just actions. Imagine how difficult the drive through at McDonald’s would be! They have difficulty understanding you as it is, but try ordering a cheeseburger when all you can say is “uuuuuuuuuuuurg”. I expect this is why Romero’s zombies always looked so fed up. Your best option is the science route. Try and create a zombie virus, maybe. Preferably one that isn’t contagious, not everybody wants to deal with that. Resident Evil games and 28 Days Later are good examples of how it pisses everyone off when somebody messes around with viruses. But maybe Herbert West from the Re-Animator movies has the right idea. A nice, luminescent formula might be just the thing you need to have the ideal, super strong, super angry zombie life you’re looking for. You could just run around naked, smashing everything. Just keep your head down. I really do mean it when I say keep your head down. I’d hate it if one of our readers got shot in the head after reading this. In my honest opinion, your best bet is to be a ghost. While It’d be fun for a time being a zombie, it’s nothing compared to the fun you could have spooking people as a ghost. But obviously, the choice is yours. The best thing to do is take the opportunity to spend this Halloween watching the movies I’ve mentioned. They’ll give you a clue as to what might suit you best for the afterlife. And when you’re don’t, please comment below to let us know what kind of death and afterlife you’re looking forward to. 
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