Surviving Christmas: A Trash Mutant Guide
- by Ninja Ross, 20 December 2016
The holidays are here and everyone's full of festive cheer! The decorations are going up all over the place, presents are being wrapped and turkeys are being killed. It's a time to think of your fellow man and bring joy to the blah blah blah. It's all very standard stuff, just like every year. But how about shaking things up? How about REALLY surviving Christmas, rather than just putting up with it? How would some of the greatest movies in existence help you during this stressful holiday?
1. BUYING PRESENTS
One of the hardest parts of this time of year is thinking about what to get everyone and then finding the cheapest possible place to buy it. Even when you've bought everything, you still need to wrap the presents, give them to people and hope to God they like it. Or that they're good enough at acting to pretend they like it, so nobody has to feel like a failure.
But you've been doing it wrong for years! Going to shops? Bah! If Alien has taught us anything, it's that all you need is a big angry Xenomorph with an egg sack. BOOM. Instant presents that come fully wrapped. You don't even have to worry about tape and paper getting everywhere, they unwrap themselves! Plus, people can't complain when they have alien bits in their mouth. Look at the Alien movies as more than just entertainment. Look at them as a guide.
I mean... There is the issue of Xenomorph infestation, but you can't have everything perfect. Maybe you can train them to pick rubbish up or something.
This is where the Xenomorph infestation might actually come in handy. They tend to happily hang things up on the walls and ceilings without even being asked, especially when a bunch of them hang out. But I agree, slimy walls and half dead people screaming for death isn't terribly festive.
Wouldn't it be nice to be a bit more unique with your decorations? Who goes out all day looking for the best, most difficult to get materials to make their own decorations? Who spends the whole evening preparing them and hanging them up, just for fun?
Predators, that's who. The big ugly things are well known for killing well-armed people and mounting their heads on walls!
But I get it. This is real life and Trash Mutant is always firmly grounded in reality. You're not gonna run around with big massive knives on your arm, looking to kill and skin anyone who looks tough. That's silly! A couple of drunk homeless guys should work just as well.
Simply kill, gut, skin and mount the corpses wherever you think it looks right. Maybe use a skull to put on top of the tree! Intestines to go around it, other... bits... as baubles. And if you're Jewish, you've got enough fingers to make some truly nifty candles!
3. COOKING DINNER
People do Christmas dinner in all different ways. Some like turkey, some like chicken, some like goose etc. Some people even like tofu instead of actual food. Add to that potatoes, sprouts, stuffing, whatever you fancy and you have a delicious meal that'll cause nothing but problems the next day.
And it's all a lot of work. Whatever poor soul gets lumped with making this dinner has to start cooking early and spend HOURS doing stuff in a kitchen that's just way too hot.
But what's the point in that? RoboCop isn't about to waste his time doing shit like that, he's got stuff to do. Crime doesn't take the holidays off, so neither does he. Just do plates of baby food. It's nutritious, delicious and easy! Let Alex Murphy be your cooking inspiration!
Cooking? Haaaaa ha! Just put it in the microwave for a couple of minutes and pour it in a bowl. This stuff comes in all kinds of flavours, so you won't be alienating anyone. Job done. And if anyone complains, you just tell them to eat quietly or there'll be... trouble.
4. THE FAMILY GATHERINGS
Family gatherings! Who doesn't love those? Getting together with the extended family, nodding and smiling when they talk to you and trying to pay just enough attention to answer any questions that get thrown your way like “how's your year been?” and “Why are you crying?”, which is always a nightmare.
But there is a way to make everyone happy: The Alan "Dutch" Schaefer way!
Dutch's plan to take down Predator was near flawless. Sure it had a few bumps, but it's highly unlikely that your family have infrared vision and shoulder cannons on them.
I'm not saying you need to cover yourself in mud, but this is going to take a bit of forethought. It's easier if you're the host, but if you're visiting someone it'd be best to make sure you know exactly what kind of wallpaper they have and what colour and texture their furniture is.
Simply purchase the necessary materials, make your full body costume and show up with it tucked away in a bag. Say your hello's, greet everyone as a pencil-pushing son of a bitch, grab any presents you think are/should be yours and head to the toilet. Don the outfit you spent all night sewing and then make yourself comfortable. Stab anyone who tries to sit on you before you strategically move position.
Keep all of this advice in mind and it'll help you get through the holiday season! Enjoy alcohol responsibly when handling crafting tools, though... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Tagged: movies & TV.