The 3 video game characters I want to punch really, really hard

- by Ninja Ross, 19 September 2012

Some people just need a real punch in the face. You just want to sneak up on them and punch them. Square in the nose. This goes for some video game characters, too. Only you can’t sneak up on them. Because they’re not real. You can only write lists like this one.

PUNCH!

3. CARVER HAWKE

Carver isn’t a particularly major character in Dragon Age 2. He’s the brother of the hero and, depending on what class you choose, a companion for a while in the story. I find it hard to find anything I like about this character. He’s so whiney you could easily replace his dialogue with the sounds of a baby starving to death and it would contribute just as much to the plot.

Good lord, now that's a punchable face!

You only get him as a companion if you choose a Mage class (if you choose a mage, his sister dies. If you choose Rogue or Warrior, Carver dies. Meant to create some anti-Mage tension later on, blah blah) which is the main reason I don’t play as a mage in Dragon Age 2. The sister, Bethany Hawke, is pretty much the same plot device but a whole lot more likeable, mostly because she doesn’t have the personality of a urinal.

2. KRATOS

I’m not a big fan of Greek mythology. I don’t particularly hate it, I just don’t care for it. But Kratos, from the "God of War" franchise, kind of makes me want to start hating it with a deep, burning passion.

I can’t like a character that can take down huge hydras, minotaurs, harpies and more but struggles to open a door. That’s weird!

This is a guy who somehow manages to find women having a bath while a giant Ares destroys the city. And then he has sex with them. His past is littered with horrible crimes and he never really does anything to fix that.

Kratos. The mean muggin moron.

Also, he’s really miserable. He spends the entire game frowning and grumbling about something. “Ah, this mountain is high, my back aches, music is too loud these days, I can’t find my arms.” Get over it! You’re supposed to be an orgy-loving, ass-kicking young God! Cheer up!

1. MARIO

This is probably because I’m terrible at Mario games. Also because I think Mario should have died a long time ago, but there’s just something about him that bothers me. I could say that the truly awful film adaptation is what gave the incredibly talented Bob Hoskins Parkinson's, and I think that would give me a valid reason to hate Mario, but that has not been scientifically proven. Yet.

But there’s something wrong with a plumber in an imaginary world chasing after a princess who has been abducted by a freaking spiked turtle dragon thing. It’s not the silliness (I’m all about silly) It’s the fact that he does it so many times without increasing Princess Peach’s security after rescuing her.

Mario! The stereotype-ah that don't plan ahead-ah!

In fact, the only time I’ve ever know a plumber to do much of anything in such a rush is when money is involved. If Peach is organising her own abductions to get out of paying Mario’s bill, I think I could warm to the franchise a little more.
For now, I just want to punch him. Real hard.

Tagged: video games.

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