The Marvel Reboot: What We Know So Far

- by Ninja Ross, 28 January 2015

You may have heard the news that Marvel is planning to reboot their universe soon, with the many Marvel universes colliding to give us a brand new continuity. Naturally, everyone wants to know what this means for their favourite heroes! Who’s going to die? Who’s going to change dramatically? Who’s getting a new outfit?

Luckily, we have you covered! Thanks to my unnamed sources at Marvel, I can let you in on a few screeds. Here’s what we know about the upcoming reboot.

1. WOLVERINE BECOMES WALLY

For those of you in America (or Canada, I guess) you might know “Wally” better as “Waldo.” He’s the classic Anti Hero of that legendary “Where’s Wally/Waldo” series created by Martin Handford. Thanks to a deal between Marvel and Walker Books, Wolverine will soon appear in literally every Marvel title from now on, while rarely ever appearing in his own book.

Most likely an early promo image for this cool new Marvel idea. Probably.

Naturally, it’s not as easy as that. Wolverine will be well hidden in every panel and Marvel is promising a No Prize for everyone who can find him.

The hope here is that you’ll eventually see Wolverine in real life. Shadows in the corner of your eye. Brief reflections in shop windows. And so on. This is Marvel releasing a curse on all of us, similar to that of the video in The Ring.

2. THE FANTASTIC FOUR BECOME SAMUEL L. JACKSON

While I can’t confirm that The Fantastic Four is being cancelled because of Fox’s upcoming movie (It is, I’m confirming it. I have sources) we do know that Marvel is going to bring them back as the Fantastic Fuckin’ Four, with each one looking and acting exactly like Samuel L. Jackson.

Probably real. I mean it seems pretty real, right?

Thanks to Marvel owning the rights to Jackson’s likeness (as both Nick Fury AND Mace Windu), they can now help readers automatically associate the Fantastic Four with Marvel Studios, instead of Fox.

The writing staff at Marvel are planning to introduce this change subtly, with the original Fantastic Four being stuck on a plane with genetically altered bible quoting super snakes.

3. THE X-MEN EAT THEMSELVES

Pete Wisdom. Charming STD factory.

X-Men books are notoriously hard to get into, thanks to complex continuity and a heck of a lot of time travel based plots. Unfortunately, this has caused them to gain a primitive sentience that Marvel is beginning to lose control of.

While it’s stable FOR NOW, they are aware that it’ll soon become a serious problem. Luckily, Marvel have discovered that if they make everything so over the top and complex, the X-Men will eventually consume themselves.

From what I’ve been told, Storm will soon be cloned, meaning she can lead the team, be second in command AND run away to Africa on a spiritual journey. Nightcrawler will become a catholic protestant Rabi, while claiming to be atheist.

Colossus will be charged with statutory rape, thanks to his relationship with Kitty Pride, and this is what should cause the end of the X-Men: Colossus will use time travel to go back in time, preventing himself from ever meeting Kitty Pride. But he will then travel FORWARD in time to sleep with Pride when she’s 56. After catching an STD that makes him phase through solid objects, he then needs to go back in time to prevent Kitty from catching this STD from Pete Wisdom. And it goes on and on. The plot holes and continuity errors here are the final blow.

4. DAREDEVIL REGAINS HIS SIGHT

We all know that Murdock lost his sight thanks to a radioactive toxic waste incident. But, in a twist of fate, he’ll soon be regaining his sight thanks to radioinactive toxic waste!

Things begin going well for Daredevil for a while; he now has his sight AND his enhanced senses, so he’s more effective than ever. But, when browsing the shelves at his local comic book shop, he comes across a dusty old Marvel comic book about a young boy losing his sight to radioactive toxic waste! Thinking of this as nothing more than an amusing coincidence, Murdock has no idea that this book is actually covered in more toxic waste. So much so, it ends up killing him.

Foggy Nelson goes on to file a lawsuit against Marvel Comics, but loses when he fails to convince the jury that Captain America and Johnny Storm aren’t the same person.

An interesting promo image, with Marvel's classic self-referentialism. So good! So legit!

With his reputation gone, he loses everything and winds up selling unlicensed pictures of Daredevil at conventions. From then on, Daredevil follows Foggy Nelson and his adventures as a washed up lawyer.

And now you know as much as we do about the upcoming reboot! Naturally, sources must remain anonymous in order to protect their jobs and lives. I can, however, tell you that one of them looks a lot like Joe Quesada. Wink Wink. 

 
Wow! Talk about a lot of legit news! Amazing research there, Ross! What do you guys think of all of this? Are you as excited about the reboot as we are? Leave us a comment!

Tagged: comics.

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