The Most Useless Movie Monsters

- by Ninja Ross, 29 October 2017

Monsters are one of horror's most imaginative, interesting aspects. Creatures like The Thing, Dracula and The Blob all tap into something unique and intriguing. However, some of them are USELESS and shouldn't be allowed to breed.

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SKELETONS

Everybody knows how useless zombies are, but at least they have bits of rotting flesh holding them together and a deadly virus that they can't wait to give to you. When was the last time Skeletons seemed like a threat?
 
The people killed by the skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts were just shit at fighting. All you need to do is give the a swift kick to the chest. Or a leg sweep, if you want to watch them crawl around a bit.
 
Skulls are cool. Ghost Rider understands that, as do pirates and poison bottle label manufacturers. But the more flesh you take away, the more brittle you get. Just a skull is fine, very metal, but if anything, you should be getting MORE flesh and muscle. Necromancers should be stopping at the skull and then signing their minions up for a gym membership. Skeletor knows what's what.

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THE WOLF MAN

​Werewolves! They're pretty violent, which is nice. Gotta tear up the people and eat them! Grrrrr! Very cool. Once a month.
 
Once a month these things become scary. Not even a full day! A single night! The rest of the time, they're American tourists or ginger. Nothing threatening about that at all! You may dislike them, but they're not going to eat you until the full moon. They're just people. Yuck.
 
For one night each month, Benicio Del Toro is frightening instead of charming. Being scary for one night is pointless. Everybody will just start staying in that night, watching movies and eating junk food.


THE MONSTER FROM "IT FOLLOWS"

A sexually transmitted demon?!? Horrifying! What does it do, make your genitals puke? Make your butthole a gateway to hell? No, it walks towards you at a leisurely pace, passing multiple cars and bicycles on its way.
 
No matter how much screaming and crying the characters do in that movie, this is not an effective strategy. This monster has only survived because it picks people who would rather live in fear of violent sex death than do a bit of travel.
 
The only thing it has going for it is that it can look like anyone. And yet, no matter who it chooses to look like, it still looks like a real creep. In fact, all it's doing is teaching to stay away from creepy strangers.


THE GIRL FROM "THE RING"

An evil videotape! Already you can see how pointless that is. Nobody is going to go find a VHS player to play some stupid tape that's supposed to reward their effort with a creepy girl climbing out of their TV, getting nasty well water all over your floor before killing you.
 
While this thing is pretty violent and very rude, it's not terribly frightening unless you actually watch it. Just don't watch shitty VHS tapes.
 
Not only that, she's tiny and she crawls. This is another problem that can be solved with a kick. If a monster can be stopped with a good kick, it's a shit monster.
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CHUCKY​

I love Chucky. He's fun and ridiculous. But God knows how he's killing so many people, with his tiny little doll arms and his adorable little run, pitter-pattering along corridors. Oh my Gosh!
 
But he does kill a lot of people and it's rarely boring when he does. But that's the point, surely when somebody dies horribly and a doll is found nearby, you're going to destroy the doll when it shows up very unexpectedly nearby in a completely separate room from the one you left it in.
 
It seems Chucky gets away with as much as he does because his victims have zero survival instincts. Either that, or these good Guy dolls that Chucky possesses are very rare and valuable collector's items.
 
In fact, a lot of monsters only seem to be effective because of luck and human stupidity. Dracula is lucky people don't question creepy pale dudes looking at your neck. Jaws only gets fed because people are too stupid to stay out of the water after the very mention of a shark attack.
 
But these monsters are all still pretty cool in their own ways. But still, they're useless and should be ashamed of themselves.

That's the list! Who would you add? Let us know in the comments!

Tagged: movies & TV.

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