The Most Useless Video Game Enemies

- by Ninja Ross, 29 April 2015

There are plenty of great video game villains out there: Pyramid Head, The Licker, The Geth and dragons in pretty much any fantasy game. But some enemies are pointless. They seem to serve no purpose at all. These bad guys are so pointless, the only thing they can do is feature on a midly amusing list of useless video game enemies.

PUH-PUH-POKER FACE, PUH-PUH-POKER FACE. Is it his poker face, or is he just bored of this boss fight?

HOYT VOLKER FROM FAR CRY 3!

Far Cry 3 had a great antagonist with Vaas Montenegro. He was charmingly psychotic! He was creepy and charismatic! And other conflicting words. But, despite featuring on the box art and in nearly all of the promotional material, he wasn’t actually the game’s “big bad.” He was merely a flunky to Hoyt Volker, a character that was made out to be the only guy on the island worse than Vaas.

He was USELESS. I played Far Cry again recently and I had nearly forgotten he was in there! This man is a BOSS FIGHT. The majority of this boss fight was spent playing poker, because there was apparently no other way to make Hoyt scary. They even had to bring hallucinatory drugs into the mix after the poker game, just so the actual fight would at least look stylish. 

See that thing under the floor? Don't worry about it!

MANDARIN, FROM SILENT HILL 2!

The Mandarin appears briefly in Silent Hill 2. It’s a... It’s a thing with lip hands and a dress. It’s unattractive, to say the least. But, like every single thing in Silent Hill 2, it’s a giant metaphore for something that is almost definitely sex.

You come across these things while walking across a metal grate. They hang below and use tentacles from their hand mouths (It’s probably a sex thing, right?) to cause you almost no damage. In fact, this enemy can be defeated by simply walking away. It’s so useless, you don’t even have to look at the things! Just look up and walk away.

Run, you sad fool! Run to your death!

KOOPA TROOPERS, FROM THE MARIO GAMES!

Specifically the green ones, of course. The red Koopa Troopas were pretty darn tough! Those guys could sometimes fly! And those that couldn’t fly had one very big advantage over the green ones; They didn’t walk off cliffs.

Green Koopas have no survival instinct! See a cliff? Good! Sky diving sounds fun! Jump on them and you can even use them to slaughter other Koopas. This is an enemy that HELPS you defeat it. If Koopas ever go extinct in the Mario universe, nobody will miss them.

Somebody was so disappointed with mud crabs they just left their treasure chest and went home.

MUD CRABS! FROM THE ELDER SCROLLS SERIES!

This is it. This enemy is the most useless thing you’ll ever come across. The Mud Crab.

These things are found where you’d expect crabs to hang out; beaches and stuff. They’re often found in groups and they tend to make funny noises. That is as threatening as these things get.

Fighting these crabs doesn’t even get you any real experience. You can spend an hour killing mud crabs and not be able to level up. Their attacks are about as damaging as cold coffee spilled in your lap; they’re just kind of annoying.

The only way a mud crab could become a worthy foe is if you put the game on the hardest difficulty, put your hero in the middle of a gang of them and then left for a little bit to make a new cup of coffee.


Don’t you feel more useful after reading this list? Look at how pointless these guys are. Reading this list is like watching reality TV to feel smart. We can all go about our day feeling like we’re actually contributing! Or, at the very least, we can totally kill a guy searching for his dead wife if we need to. That’s something we all need to remind ourselves of sometimes. 

Tagged: video games.

blog comments powered by Disqus

Loading

---

Follow @TrashMutant