Trash Talk: The TMNT TabooThe Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are back on the big screen again, thanks to Michael Bay’s latest effort. While Señor Editor and Ninja Ross have yet to see the movie, a candid conversation between the two Trash Mutants led to some surprising realizations about the franchise and the Turtles themselves. Welcome to Trash Talk on the TMNT taboo.
SEÑOR EDITOR: Man, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles made the sewers look cool. In the 1980s cartoon the sewers felt like a place you’d want to hang out. A really cool little hideout. I fear the sewers in the real world aren't nearly as cool, though. I think the show, and the franchise in general, took some liberties with their portrayal of sewer life. NINJA ROSS: The Turtles never seem to actually address what sewers are normally used for. When you think about it, a sewer would be a terrible place to visit. SE: I doubt I could even eat a pizza in the sewers, let alone enjoy it there. But popular culture made the sewers seem like the place to be. The Rat Catcher, from Batman - he lived in the sewers, held prisoners in there. There is a long tradition of cool dudes living in the sewers. The Punisher lived in the sewers once or twice, too. NR: Yeah, he was in the sewers for the first movie. Spent a lot of time down there… Naked… This is unsanitary. Good God, imagine how dirty the Turtles' hands are. SE: April probably gets some stuff from hanging out with them all the time. NR: I bet she constantly has to have time off work because of poop-based germs. SE: Yeah, she's probably spending days on sick leave, trying to figure out which end needs to be facing the toilet the most. Every high five with the Turtles is a potential health hazard. The Turtles built things like speedboats and motorized surf boards to go around the sewers, right? Donatello made those for them. 
All aboard the "Splashin' Sewer Sea Skimmer"! Image from myteefinestuff.com.
NR: Yeah, they had loads of transport. I bet shit went everywhere. SE: In their mouths, as they go “Cowabunga!” while riding Donatello's latest sewer boat. Just oblivious to it at this point. These mutants were born and raised in shit. Teenage Mutant Born and Raised In Shit Ninja Turtles. NR: God, I would hate to meet the Turtles. They'd pat me on the back, shake my hand and stuff. SE: And invite you to eat pizza with them. With your hands, because that's how you eat pizza. You're not gonna ask for the fuckin’ cutlery when you’re eating a pizza, and I’m not sure that would even make it any better. NR: God, the cutlery would be covered in crap. Just everywhere. You're sitting in the sewers, with a river of shit flowing right next to you, being offered pizza from the TMNT. You'd have to buy new clothes every time you visited. But what are the alternatives? Take them to your place? You'd have to clean for days. Maybe replace everything. Take them out to eat? Then you're seen in public with turtles who reek of shit. You wouldn’t be served anywhere. SE: No wonder Shredder keeps a mask on his nose. NR: Yeah, Shredder had a normal face before he smelt them. It smelt so bad, it made his nose wrinkle until his face scarred. SE: Is he scarred under the helmet? He is, but not that much, right? NR: Yeah, he usually is. Depends which version, I guess. SE: Splinter. How dirty he must be, man. He doesn't even leave the sewers much. He’s a rat, so that’s a little more understandable, as rats actually do live in sewers and in terrible places like that, but human fecies isn’t the natural environment for a turtle. NR: Splinter is teaching them terrible hygiene. SE: What would a rat know about hygiene, anyway? I’ve never even seen him change that bathrobe he’s wearing. NR: The crap must be getting all in his fur. Just dried lumps of flaking shit. Brown dandruff. SE: Do they even have clean running water in the sewers? Norm Breyfogle and Alan Grant’s “Batman” #471 has shown us Killer Croc living with a bunch of homeless people in the sewers, and they did have clean water there, but that was more of a shelter that the sewers led to. I doubt the Turtles would have clean running water in regular sewer (but if we have any Trash Mutant readers who happen to work at the sewers and can clear that up - please leave a comment!) NR: They have electricity, so I’d would imagine they COULD have a clean source of water. But at this point in their lives, I imagine they wouldn’t even care. SE: Why do they still live in the sewers? There must be better hideouts. NR: New York would have plenty hideouts, surely. Like a building. New York has buildings. SE: Boy, does it ever. I think there’s an uncomfortable truth for the TMNT fans in the new movie. There’s a lot of sense and logic to what Michael Bay is doing with the franchise. Bringing cartoon accurate Bebop and Rocksteady to the picture covers the nostalgic villain base, but what he did to the Turtles’ design kind of finally adresses their septic/fecal origins. They look like they could have some poop on them. NR: I think Bay is the first person to succeed in portraying the Turtles accurately. SE: His Turtles even look like they dress in stuff they found in the sewer. And look at the way people are treating him. I think maybe Ninja Turtle fans should look at themselves and the Turtles first, before judging Bay. NR: Bay may not be directing the TMNT movies, but his influence is all over it like shit on a turtle. It might even be worth taking a closer look at Bay’s previous work and see what clever details we’ve all missed! But it’s good to know that Bay knows how sewers really work. Have you been in a sewer? Can you confirm our suspicions? Or do you disagree and think the sewers would be a pleasant place to hang out? Let us know in the comments! 
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