5 Cyborgs You Wish You Could Be
- by Ninja Ross, 19 March 2015
I don’t have a gun holster in my hip or flashlight eyes. This disappoints me more than you can imagine. But, thanks to pop culture and not having a life, I do have a list of favourite Cyborgs! People who do have flashlight eyes and metal domes!
First Appearance: A packet of raisins
Deathlok is Marvel’s favourite time-travelling Cyborg! He’s from a future where skin cream is banned and Cyborgs aren’t made to last. This is one badly made Cyborg, with decomposition being a real problem.
But that’s an excellent name! If you want to avoid people laughing at you for absurdly dry skin, you call yourself Deathlok. Nobody picks on a guy called Deathlok.
Not only does he have an intimidating name, but he also has enhanced strength and speed and an onboard computer keeping an eye on his health and resources.
First Appearance: Your nightmares
Fans of terrible movies/movies starring Rob Schneider know Mean Machine Angel from the Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd movie, but that is not nearly a good enough interpretation of this walking pile of muscle and bolts
Mean Machine was originally a nice, friendly boy, before his father, Pa Angel, forced a scientist to turn him into the master of grumpiness he is now. Because that’s the kind of cool dad, who cares for his son! He was given a robot right arm and a dome on his head. This dome has a handy dial with four settings, each one increasing his meanness level.
Even Judge Dredd, the toughest law enforcer in the universe, has difficulty taking down Mean Machine. It’s ok to cry in fear.
Also, pick up this month’s Judge Dredd Megazine for more Mean Machine.
First Appearance: Some little-known indie film
I’m really not a Star Wars fan. It’s fine, I just don’t care for it. But it does have one of the coolest things ever: a Cyborg wizard.
Darth Vader is kind of a big deal in The Empire. He’s, like, a manager. He spends his days making sure things run smoothly and that everyone’s neck is tightly squeezed.
Dath Vader not only has machine bits, but he can also lift you up with space magic and choke you to death. He can throw you at things! He can throw things at you! If that doesn’t impress you, I don’t think anything can. Unless I remind you that he is voiced by James Earl Jones. See?!? Now you’re impressed. Lines like "Asteroids do not concern me, admiral." sound cool enough as it is, but James Earl Jones just makes everything better.
First Appearance: The Fuuuuutuuuuurre
The Deus Ex Franchise has two great protagonists: JC Denton and Adam Jensen. While both are pretty great, Jensen never asked for this, so I’m sticking with the original.
Deus Ex is famous for its use of politics, current events and generally excellent story. But it also has a Cyborg with super strength and acid resistance! Screw you, complex plot! Denton comes equipped with augmentations that can be unlocked as you progress. You can finish the game using only stealth and weaponry, but why would you want to?
You can do everything from summoning your own drone to flashlight eyes. Denton cannot be stopped! HE IS BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY.
First Appearance: He has always been in our hearts
Of course it’s Robocop. YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW THIS WORKS.
Honourable mention goes to Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Universal Solder, because I God Damme say so. Also, let’s not forget Metallo! Because don’t we all wear our Kryptonite hearts on the outside of our chests?
But pop culture is full of great Cyborgs and, hopefully, science will soon turn us all into robotic killing machines. Which one would you like to be? If, of course, you could still have your genitals intact.