Bring Back Lando: Star Wars' Greatest Character

- by Señor Editor, 21 March 2015

You may have heard that Star Wars Episode VII is coming out this year. Really cool, right?! They got, like, all of the main original trilogy cast back! Except they didn’t. Because as far as anybody knows, nobody asked Lando Calrissian to come back. You may say “Well, to be fair, he wasn’t in the original movie”, but neither was Warwick Davis. And that doesn't matter, anyway! It seems that the greatest Star Wars character will be omitted, and Billy Dee Williams didn’t even hear from Disney. I’m here to say that ain’t right! And to remind you why Lando is your favorite Star Wars character.

Obscured, in the background: Boba Fett, completely awestruck.

Let’s start with one of Lando’s less often praised skills. Lando is a master of disguise.

Think about Return of the Jedi. When we first see Lando, he’s already completely settled in at Jabba’s palace, acting as his close, personal guard. And nobody suspects SHIT. Lando’s disguise is so perfect, and so cool, that he can stand in the same room with Boba Fett, AKA The-Guy-Who-Already-Met-Lando-and-Got-Han-From-Him, and all the great bounty hunter can think of is “Who is this awesome guy and why can’t I look as cool as he does?”

THEN! Leia, in disguise, and Chewie arrive to free Han. They fail. They thaw him out, but are captured a second after that. Their disguise game was not nearly on the level it needed to be. Leia gets put into a metal bikini and chained to Jabba, Chewbacca gets… I don’t remember what happens to him. Surely, this is the time Lando will act and rescue his friends, though, right? No.

THEN! Luke arrives. He goes in as himself, and tries a diplomatic approach (with a bit of Rancor-killing). He fails. This must be when Lando is going to do something, right? No. Why? Because Lando is in too deep, and if you saw the 1999 LL Cool J movie In Too Deep, you know this only happens to the absolute best undercover agents.

The perfect disguise.

Lando only snaps out of it when he almost falls from the Skiff, and that’s when things start looking good again for our heroes. Would they even make it out alive, if it wasn’t for undercover Lando being there? I don’t think so.

Not many men can wear capes. And none can wear them like Lando.

Sure, Darth Vader wears one, but it’s easy for him to pull it off – he’s a space cyborg wizard. When you got THAT to work with, accessorizing is easy. Your average guy? Gonna look like a moron with a cape on.

But Lando is no average guy. Lando recognizes the importance of cape fashion in the Star Wars universe, and he wears his cape like it’s his second skin. Look at the pictures above. Nothing to be ashamed of if they got you a little excited. That’s normal. That’s Lando working his cape magic. The only times Lando parts with his cape is when he’s undercover (everybody recognizes Lando with the cape on), or piloting the Falcon (you can’t be sitting on your cape, man, you'll ruin it).

In the prequels, we got Christopher “Count Dookula” Lee showing some decent cape fashion (for an old man). But Lando paved the way for that, and he still is the number one icon of cape fashion. There was only one other man in the Star Wars movies. Biggs Darklighter. He thought he was cool enough to pull it off. He thought his name is Darklighter (what does that even mean?). 
But you know what happened to him? 
He died.

Rest in Peace, Biggs. It was a decent effort.

Oh, and for that matter? Christopher Lee? Darth Vader? Both also dead. Died in their capes. Lando? Alive, suave, and still fully-caped and in control.

Yeah, I know some of you will be pissed off about rating Lando above Han (Even though Lando blew up the second Death Star. How many Death Stars did Han blow up?), but you are obviously forgetting things. Just like Han forgot about the Millenium Falcon safety protocols, which lead to him having to be rescued and thawed out of a block of carbonite.

There’s this scene in Empire Strikes Back, that lead to many hurtful and misplaced comments from fans. I’m talking about when Boba Fett takes off with Han, and Lando mans the cockpit, wearing what seems like Han’s clothes. All these “HURRR DURR, LANDO STOLE HAN’S CLOTHES” people need to shut up. Lando is doing what Han should have done. Lando follows the Millenium Falcon Vest Protocol, the number one onboard rule of the ship. Even if it means taking his cape off, to escape safely.

The one movie Han doesn’t wear a vest in is Empire Strikes Back. Sure, he looks cool in the jacket, but what happens to Han in Empire Strikes Back? Being captured. Tortured. Put in carbonite and taken by Boba Fett. The movie would have ended very differently, if it wasn’t for Han’s disregard for safety protocols. Lando immediately puts on the vest when it’s time to escape in the Falcon, because he HAS TO. Who would wear the vest, if not Lando? Chewie? He’d look stupid in a vest. He doesn’t even wear pants.

Proper Falcon piloting (from the top): Chewie and Han (in a vest), Chewie and Lando (in a vest), Lando and Vulvaface (in a vest).

So thanks to Lando’s skills and knowledge as a pilot, Luke didn’t just fall of from the thingie he was clinging to after the duel with Vader, Han was ultimately saved, and all was well. And yes, Lando also destroyed the second Death Star.

Look at these poor bastards. 
None of them were exactly in the running for Grand Moff of the Empire, General of the Rebel Alliance, or Restaurant Manager. But look at how happy they are now! Look at these big smiles! All because Lando said “Give me your poor, your tired, and your Ugnaughts, and I will give them a steady job and a paycheck, in my gas mining colony.”

Look at how racist everybody in the Star Wars universe is. The Empire only employed white guys. The Rebels didn’t start having aliens until Return of the Jedi. They didn’t even give Chewbacca a medal! On Tatooine, the various aliens are all thrown in the bag together, and labeled “scum and villainy” by Old White Ben Kenobi. Or, I guess, the aliens can go work for Jabba, who doesn't discriminate, because he himself looks like a slug that someone sneezed out.

Now look at Lando. He’s a man in a position of power and he welcomes everybody. Lando extends a friendly hand to the Ugnaughts. He asks them how their wives and kids are, when he passes them by in Cloud City. Lando’s right hand man? He gave that position to Lobot. A bald man, with a piece of hardware permanently stuck in his head, and a name that openly refers to his lobotomy. Lando didn’t make Lobot a janitor, or told him to go make little paintings or clay sculptures that he could sell to rich people that pity him. Lando gave Lobot the best job available.

"I have a job and I'm happy!"

That’s just the kind of guy he is, Lando. He is an equal opportunities employer. A CSR living legend. A man setting out to change the galaxy. To make it a better place.

When we first meet Lando, we find out he was Han’s smuggler buddy, but he is doing quuuuite well for himself. He’s actually running an entire city. Started a while ago. It’s a Cloud City. Look how clean and nice it looks. It's the first clean and nice place we see in the original trilogy, isn't it? Do you think Han felt a little insecure about his own career when he saw that? It would be only natural. Lando is an absolute expert in managing his own career. When Luke was wasting time shooting womp rats on his sandy, crappy planet, Lando was making moves. Political moves.

General Calrissian, right before getting a new cape.

When things go south - due to Han not following the Falcon’s Vest Protocols - and Lando has to evacuate the city and leave in a hurry, does it mean it’s the end of his career? He went from being a mayor (or whatever you want to call it), to being the latest addition to the Rebels, starting from the bottom again. Did this crush Lando’s spirit?

No. Lando’s story is a rags to riches story. A story of perseverance. Of never giving up. The next time we see him, about a year later, he’s already a General. A general! That is the fastest rise in the ranks in Rebel Alliance history. Was there ever anybody rising to prominance so fast and successfully in the Star Wars universe? Because Lando is a man of success like no other.

Think about it: if he was only around 30 when he was already running an entire city, and if it only took him a year to become General when that fell through, how high up would Lando go in the 30 years that passed since Return of the Jedi? He would go waaaay far! He would have to be like a... like...

"Now... witness the POWER of this fully operational pimp CAPE!" (he would wear the cape on top of the robes)

NO. They wouldn’t… Would they?

Star Wars has a long history of keeping things secret, like when they would obscure Yoda or the Ewoks from the back of the toy packages, just so the audience would be surprised when they first see them. It's top secret stuff. Nobody knew anything about the Prequels when they were coming out, either. Making Lando rise to the position of ruler of the galaxy would only be logical, considering his excellent career up to that point.

But Lando’s too good for that. Lando is a good guy. And we need him back. Maybe he will be back, but it’s kept a secret. Maybe he will be in Episode VIII. Or something. But we need Lando. We need Lando bad. 

We will see you soon, Lando!

So, that's settled! Lando is coming back, because we just presented all the reasons to HAVE him back. It would be ridiculous not to.

Here's some more Star Wars related type of things:
POP CULTURE: How Clones Make Everything Worse
Star Wars Characters That Probably Won't Be Coming Back

Tagged: movies & TV.

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